Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Sunday, 24 January 2010

most powerful and primal post of all time

he romantically kissed her tender and female mouth with incredible and non-ironic passion. he expertly unbuttoned her soft and feminine cardigan with his extremely rough and masterful masculine male hands. she endearingly submitted to his bestial and increasingly manic lust. he used his large and hairy hands to rip apart every remaining piece of clothing that used to be on her body but now, slightly later on in time, lay on the floor in front of her. he forcefully pushed her entire physical being onto a bed that belongs to him it is his bed. she fell like a sweet and magical maiden onto the bed and got ready to meet and match his earthy and all conquering carnal desire with an equal quantity of sexual and physically appropriate love making moves.

when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing

Thursday, 21 January 2010

new content

do you love the sound of my voice?

if you do, you can hear it saying words that i wrote here

thank you

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

please look at these

this one

and

this one

please write some great comments, and make them into internet megamemes.

please

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Monday, 18 January 2010

when i die

i want the entire population of the earth to grieve for ten years. i want people to build statues of me.

is that so much to ask?

Thursday, 14 January 2010

ok i understand

i am lying in my bed awake. i am trying to get to sleep and i can't get to sleep.

i am thinking about all of the things in my life. i am thinking about all of the things that are connected together and make up my life. i am the connection between all of these things and they are all important to me.

i think i can see swirling grey in the shadows at the end of my bed.

i am thinking about every event that has ever happened in my entire life. starting with birth. when i was born i couldn't go to the toilet for three days and i nearly died.

every time i go to a party i tell this story about being a constipated baby and everyone laughs. i say 'i could have died.' they say, 'that's why it's funny.'

i wonder if i had died then whether on my tombstone it would have said 'unnamed: crapped and pissed himself to death'

thinking about events in my life is a good and healthy thing. it means i have perspective on my situation. i haven't not been able to sleep like this for a very long time. i like it. i think it means that i am definitely alive 100%.

art

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Monday, 11 January 2010

the most terrifying story about vampires ever written

everyone you know is a vampire.

there was a special chemical that was put into the water system that affected every tap in the world except the ones that you drink from. every person in the world became a vampire.

were you the lucky one or the unlucky one?

it depends on whether you value your humanity or whether you value fitting in with everyone else.

as soon as you leave your house you are going to be sucked to death by a million vampires. maybe the best thing to do is suicide? don't do it! there is still a chance. maybe if you lock yourself in a small room you will never be found.

a small room like a........................................................
........................................
..........................................
.........................................
........COFFIN!?!?!?!?!

the implication is that you will be acting like a vampire anyway.

what a ridiculous and non-terrifying awful story about vampires.

the ring-leader of the vampires is still at large or is he yes he is.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

mysterious goings on at the local school

no one could work out what was going on at the local school. it was a mystery. the children were acting out of character. the staff of the school were scared of the students.

it was satanism.

but no one knew that.

except for the children who were major-league satanists.

it started with simple things: Crucifixes being turned upside down. Pictures of goats being scrawled all over everything that wasn't a picture of a goat. Five pointed stars being painted on the wall in arcane fluids.

no one could work it out so they called in the police. the police were stumped. they called for the best investigator in the whole country, inspector gorth. gorth was a very old man who was close to death. he always wears the same coat. it is a grey trenchcoat that he has owned for around 50 years. it has a patina of grease and grime and wax. it is indestructible.

gorth is destructible. when he arrived he paced around the school for five days and then said, 'this is way bigger than any of us.'

then he died from dramatic feeling. he was overcome with a tense and dramatic feeling and it clogged up his veins and made his heart explode! his second in command was so upset that he started crying.

the fbi came over from america and couldn't work out was going on at the satanist school. the children all wore moustaches and rich red velvet robes. it was 100% satanic. eventually everyone lost interest because it was just too mysterious. what a boring and long-winded story about satanic children!

one of the children was the ring leader but he was never caught. he is still at large today or is he?


my dad, kenny and cotton stones

i really liked reading this

everyone who reads what's on my blog should read what's on this one

in case of confusion i had better say right now that both of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

addendum:

one of my friends who i haven't seen for a long time has made this short film. i thought it was very good so here is a link to it. it is a very direct and economical film. it has a very good 'length:emotional impact' ratio.

in case of confusion i had better say right now that all of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

supermarket

doing my shopping is the most fun thing that i can do in my life. i am pulsing down the aisles of the supermarket. i am the blood in the veins of the supermarket. i am the shaving foam pumping around the chin of the supermarket. i am the battery being slotted into the spring ended slot of the supermarket. i am the sunlight caught by the leaves of the supermarket. i am the tree supporting the eco-system of the supermarket. i am the chair under the buttocks of the supermarket. i am the bird cleaning the supermarket's teeth. i am the stork delivering the babies of the supermarket. i am the beard scratching the face of the supermarket. i am the muscles ripping the shirt of the supermarket. i am the stalker following the footsteps of the supermarket. i am the cornership being consumed by the supermarket. i am the minority being persecuted by the supermarket. i am the pilot made automatic by the supermarket. i am the chef cooking the kidneys of the supermarket. i am the drummer beating the skin of the supermarket. i am the worm crapping out the silk of the supermarket. i am the finger picking the nose of the supermarket. i am the iron flattening the creases of the supermarket. i am the vampire draining the veins of the supermarket. i am the shepherd guiding the flock of the supermarket. etc.