First Review of Chapbook + Exciting News

Review

Received your chapbook in the post today, and have just finished reading it. I enjoyed it very much, thank you. the old man reminded me of an old man i used to work with. except he wasn't evil. he was odd though. during the sixties he used to join occult groups to meet chicks. i don't think he got to meet many. he was asked to leave, usually, for asking too many questions. he once brought in a newspaper cutting about a man who could bring women to orgasm using only the power of his mind, which he then tried to replicate for the rest of the day.

News

I have been asked to write a short piece for the new print edition of www.hivemagazine.co.uk

I don't know what to write about. I would like suggestions, in response to this post, of a title for the piece to inspire me. I would like the title to be 2 or 3 words long, preferably 2. I would like the title to be exciting.

The winner will receive no prize.

Half Asleep Treat

There is a delicious selection of biscuits for cheese spread across the plate in front of me. I have Jacob's Cream Crackers. I have a variety of cheeses.

I am being transported to a world in which anything that I can dream of can become my reality. The world is not quite right. I have asked the guardian of the world for a couple of chutneys to help the cheese and biscuits slip down easier.

There is no chutney forthcoming. I would like some chutney now please for god sake. Give me my chutney. Excuse me, I need some chutney from you. You know? Chutney.

I don't want any pickle thanks. Just chutney.

And then all of a sudden I am back in the room in which I was before being transported to the magnificent land where I was lord of everything it seems wrong to me to be forced back into being a less potent being.

I have written a list of things to ask for if I become lord of all things again.

1. Chutney
2. A pair of socks.
3. The body and face and personality of Gok Wan.
4. A special stone that sparkles in the light.
5. My lost and missed childhood.
6. Chalk.
7. Hair remover and muscle increaser.
8. A place to hide.
9. The only one I have ever loved.
10. Give me chutney.
11. I want some chutney.
12. Is it so hard to get some chutney?

Dispatches

Right.

The first 27 chapbooks have been sent - that's everyone who has ordered one so far.

20 are going to england.

7 are going to america.

There are 23 left.

If you want one, let me know. When you receive yours, please let me know. I feel happy.

Chapped Hands

My chapbook is now a physical entity. It has been printed and folded and torn. My hands are red and raw from folding and tearing and printing.

I am very happy with my chapbook. A copy of it will be winging its way to you if you have e-mailed me with your postal address.

It is not too late if you still want one.

Finally I have created something.

The Most Wonderful Thing Anyone Has Ever Done For Me

I received this in an e-mail. It is a picture of Simon Cowell's Brain.

Feeling down?

Check this new exciting self help site:

http://twelvefortyfive.blogspot.com/

They also do literature and stuff or whatever.

Get me out of here.

Someone get me out of here. Please help me to get out of here. I don't want to be here. My senses are shutting down slowly. My brain is in a state of panic. My body is slothful.

There is a yellow table in front of me and I am surrounded by chattering idiots. The computer screen is a special vortex that makes me feel like I am falling forever.

My colleagues hate and laugh all day long. I sit down and shove biscuits and coffee and tea and sandwiches into my face and mouth. I spill coffee all over my groin every day.

My keyboard is a moulding pit of flaked skin and grimy dirt paste. I wish that I was outside in the rain or in a sacred forest surrounded by elms.

Information

I am aiming for a print date of next Saturday or Sunday for Flesh Feast: The Human Brain. I am sorry about the additional waiting period. This is due to a mixture of technical difficulties and human difficulties. The human difficulties include me feeling scared and tired. The technical difficulties include having to print out many pages of paper on a printer that I do not own. But I will succeed.

Here is a sneak preview from Flesh Feast: The Human Brain.

"Are you thinking of me, my precious bone and marrow and flesh feast?"

I hope that tides you over. P.S I have now enhanced the cover artwork.

Exclusive Cover Artwork

I HAVE WRITTEN ALL OF THE TEXT OF MY CHAPBOOK

If you want a copy and haven't done so please e-mail me immediately with your postal address.

It is the best thing I have ever done.

Chap Book

It's nearly done.
Only 1.5 chapters remain.

Calm down

I think that there is too much stress and trouble in my life for me to be a healthy young man.

I am sitting as always alone on my sofa wondering about the intricacies and tribulations of my life and the lives of others. I feel as though a lot of people might have severe and enduring mental health problems that aren't being correctly treated by a qualified and caring mental health support worker/project worker.

I am looking at a picture of the human brain in a book entitled, "The Human Brain". The human brain is looking pretty good. I wonder if my human brain looks like the human brain in the picture in "The Human Brain". My human brain is grey and round like the human brain in "The Human Brain".

Gok Wan's human brain is positively beaming. Gok Wan's human brain is studded with diamonds and is decorated with lipstick and blusher. Gok Wan's skull is a Gucci handbag and his human brain is his money and personal belongings.

Simon Cowell's human brain is so god damn angry looking. It is black and bulbous and full of angry thoughts and evil desires. It is covered in the blood of his victims and is floating through mid air striking people down left right and centre.

I want to create a television programme. It is about The Human Brain. In the programme we get lots of celebrities' brains to fight amongst themselves in a small white cube. By the end of the programme the cube's insides are covered in the pulp of mashed up famous brains.

I am going to write a book on the human brain. The book will be called "Flesh Feast; The Human Brain".

Dancing Disco Dancing

Cream Soda

I am drinking the most delicious creamed soda I have ever laid my tongue on.

Creamy soda.

Thick, rich, creamed soda.

It is so god damn sweet and creamy.

Writing

It is late at night. I am in my bed writing my chapbook.

The computer is slowly and carefully humming. My chapbook is called "Flesh Feast". It is about a man who moves into the flat above me and slowly ruins my life.

My chapbook will be 10 chapters long. So far I have written four and a half chapters. My chapbook will be illustrated. The illustrations are going to be created by me on paint. I might do some of them on photoshop.

My chapbook is becoming one of the best things I have ever written. It is packed full of dread and disaster, as well as hilarious incidents and heart warming moments.

I hate my chapbook.

My chap book is better than me.

It is becoming the most delightful little chapbook you have ever set your eyes on.

So far only one person has said that they want my chapbook. I wish that this was one of the chapters in my chapbook.

Another Interview

Oh my god. I have been interviewed again. This is the best week of my life. This one has pictures.

My Interview

My dream has come true. I have been interviewed. Track the interview down.

Down down. Deeper and Down.

Special Place

I am a fancy girl.

I am a fancy dancing girl. I twirl and spin within veils and sparkles and perfume.

I am on a stage above you. You stare at me and my spinning and twirling. I expose skin to you. You drink the smooth patches in like wine. I expose more skin. You drink the touchable velvet expanse like it's water. When I expose all the skin, you vomit on your shoes.

You look into my eyes. My eyes kill your eyes.

You back away slowly. I continue to dance.

Rainy City Stories

Have accepted my short story about chinatown. See it in all of its glory here.

CHAAP BUCH

I am in the processing of writing and producing a Little Book. I haven't decided what's going to be in it. If you want a copy you have to write a short entry for my blog and send it to my e-mail address. I will post these entries on my blog. No one will know that anyone except me wrote it.

And you will get a book. (If you send me your address)

The book will be ready in one month.

Rich, tomato sauce.

I have just eaten the most deliciously rich tomato sauce I have ever tasted. The sauce was so delicious that it made me eat the entire plate of pasta in under 2 mins.

I washed it down with some sparkling mineral waterfalls.

I carefully asked the waiter whether I could watch the chef making the sauce so that I could learn how to make it in the comfort of my own home. The waiter said "Si".

The waiter guided me through the tables and children into the secret kitchen of the restaurant where the chef lives.

I am in the kitchen now.

The kitchen is dark. There are no lights in here. I can smell rich tomato sauce coming from all around me. I feel like maybe this is heaven. I feel like I am having sexual intercourse with the rich tomato sauce.

I am fumbling through the darkness of the kitchen. I can here some sort of frying in the distance. Maybe there is a light also from the frying. There is definitely a light source. I follow the light.

There it is. The secret of the sauce. There is a human sized bottle. Inside the bottle is a human surrounded by thick, rich, tomato sauce. The bottle is a filter. The human is Lloyd Grossman.

Feeling great.

I am feeling absolutely great. I have recovered from my horrific wasting disease.

I secretely wish that I was still ill. When I was ill I did lots of nice, secret things. I ate the most delicious of foods and threw them all up again. I lay in my bed hallucinating and shivering with a diabolic warmth. I felt seperate from the world in my small and comfortable coccoon.

I love feeling ill. I feel further away from life.

I have to call into work when I am not very well to update them on my status. I need to ring every five minutes and update my status.

I feel strange and different.

Number 2 Interview

I interviewed Jenn Asworth
I love doing interviews. I don't have to do very much and it makes my blog look big.

Why won't anyone interview me? Can't anyone tell that the only reason I am doing these is so that someone interviews me? WHAT THE HELL.


1. What is going on with your hair? It's like totally Outrageous.

Do you not ever have those days when you wish you could take a tablet that would stop your hair growing or changing in any way? I do. You just want to capture the perfect moment forever. But it fades. It fades and it dies. It dies. God, it's awful. I feel like crying right now. It goes like this. See, when it is going great guns, you want to look in the mirror all the time and touch it a lot, but you don't want anyone to see you touching it a lot and looking in the mirror while you touch, because you are supposed to be a writer and librarian and sort of scruffy and intellectual. Really, I would sell my brains to have beautiful hair. I would. Seriously. I would rather be stupid than bald. Mainly I feel a bit bad about being bothered about my hair. It is made out of the same thing as fingernails or antlers. So my scalp is covered in long dead antlerly fingernails. But I want the fingernails to be shiny and big and full of body, causing admirement, but not staring. I want to have antlers that made other people jealous. That has never happened. Do you have any hair tips for me?

2. Why should I hire you?

I can be sarcastic while making you feel respected. I can work for hours and hours at a task that holds no value whatsoever. I can wear suits and wave my hands about at meetings. I can use words like 'reader development' and 'evaluation' and 'local agenda' and 'test bed' and 'skills set'. Oh dear. Please don't print this. I mean, I like my job. I do my best. Even when I have doubts I do my best. The tax payer is paying me. I never forget that. I am servile and self loathing. I spend sunday nights ironing work trousers. I dish out books for cash. Doesn't matter which books. Reading is a valueless activity. We are all about the issue figures. Rising steadily forever. I can stand at the counter and scan all the books into and out of my own account for ten hours a day. Then our issue figures will be EXEMPLARY. (NB I don't do this. I am 'in character') Bloody Hell.3. Why have you changed so much?
See above. I sort of like being servile. It has affected my whole life. If my mum had let me have contact lenses at school I would have had a boyfriend. I would have done things. Then I would not have been a librarian. It all stems from there. Now I am going to spend my advance on having my eyes laser surgeried. True fact. I'm a bit drunk.

4. What is your favourite?

LITHOPS. And going to sleep with feet touching. I miss smoking.

5. Why won't you stop laughing at me?

I think its because you make me nervous. You are like a proper writer, with a FAN BASE. I feel a bit insipid and main stream beside you. If I was a man I would probably fight you. Because I am a girl I giggle.

6. Why do the bigger boys touch me in my private area?

It isn't your private area. It's your elbow. Go back to the manual. Look again. *That's* your private area. Please stop touching it now. Thank you. Good boy.

7. Is Halloween a con?

Yes, I think it is. Except this Halloween is the anniversary of me being friends with my best friend for ten years. Ten years! So we thought we would have a decade party. If you say decade a certain way it sounds like DECAYED. So we may dress as Zombies. So if we did that, Halloween would be personal and meaningful and special, and not a con. We would have replaced the 'hallowed' into Halloween.

8. Do you like the way I dance? Do you like my style?
Do you like my fancy steps? Do you like my smile?

Yes. No. Yes. Yes.

I am the editor of a new on-line blog review page.

http://twelvefortyfive.blogspot.com/

Degenerative Bone Disease

I am sick to my core. I have no symptoms except for feeling terrible. There are rings of pain around my eyes. I took days off work this week and got called sick note by someone in work.

I might never get any better and never get any worse. I think that I might be consistently below average for ever. I am a straight, non-sloping line on a graph, written in green ink. 

I am a set of data on excel. The data is slightly not quite good enough. 

I might have a wasting disease. I am wasting. There is nothing which is not wasting. Everything I do has been wasted. I am in a wasteland. A thinning, cold, anaemic wasteland. I am trapped in  my bed. I am on pills. 

Travesty

Shame
Anger
Pain
Misunderstanding
Failure
Tears
Sorrow
Disgrace
Worthlessness
Hunger
Disregard
Apathy
Smallness

Reminder

http://manchizzle.blogspot.com/2008/10/one-week-til-manchester-blog-awards.html



OH NO

I wrote this story

I submitted it to the Rainy City site (http://www.rainycitystories.com/)
I hope they accept it.


I live in chinatown.Every sunday there is a wedding and loads of fireworks go off on the pavement opposite my house. Every time I think that we are under attack by terrorists.The lights in china town are bright and of a number of different lurid colours. They make it look dangerous and seedy. Chinatown makes me feel sexy.There is a restaurant in Chinatown that I always go to. It is the Happy Emperor restaurant. There is a lovely lady in the Happy Emperor Restaurant who gives me free prawn crackers and beer when I go in.I am grotesquely fat due to all of the free beer and prawn crackers. I have started going to a therapist because I am so fat. I feel like a grease ball.My therapist is called "Arnold Phillips". He makes me feel better by forcing me to eat more chinese food. If I don't have something in my mouth I start crying.I spend all of my money on chinese food in chinatown. I go to all of the restaurants on a constant quest for chinese food. I love the smell of chinese food. I go into the bakeries and supermarkets, stuffing food into my gob, getting poorer and fatter.I cannot afford my rent.I now live in one of the gazebos in chinatown. I am homeless and fat. I am a drug addict.Leave me alone.

Young Hearts and Complications

I have a tender young heart that beats with a sad dull rythm.

I am sitting quietly on my bed in a trance, thinking about young ladies and forbidden dreams. I have been preparing for my award ceremony almost constantly since I found out that there was an award ceremony going on.

I have been practicising speeches.

Here is my speech so far,

" It's not every day that you get to go to an award ceremony."

I think it's a good start.

There is a little plate of ornamental cheeses on the edge of the bed. Creamy, rich blue cheese. Pungent goat cheese.

Cheese goes well with crackers and also other crunchy things, for example crunchy breads baked by artisan bakers with rare french flour, wheat and yeast.

I remember when I was young. I can't remember when I will be old.

When I was young I used to sit on the edge of the sofa with cheese and taramasalata in a trough and also various artisan loaves.

I used to make the taramasalata into shapes and then eat the shapes. I used to be a little boy in sweet short shorts. My fleshy legs were bare for the world to see. A small creature once got into my leg and buried itself under my skin.

It's still in there. It controls all of my thoughts and desires. It is a tiny man with a (relatively) large moustache. The hairs in the moustache control all of my movement by caressing my nerve endings.

It is making me write this post. Hang on, it is taking control.

Hello worms. My name is Pablo Rodriguez. I am in control of the pathetic meat collection that is typing this post. I am going to make him act like a fool at the award ceremony. I have been controlling his measly life since he was four years old. I have made him fail at everything for ever. There is no reason for this. I just think it is funny. It is a shame; if I wasn't here he would have done great things. It is a shame I am buried in his leg. HA HA HA. I just made him squeeze his penis thing. He is in pain. I am going to make him write something embaressing.......

I sometimes wish I was a different person.

THE INTERVIEW

http://www.impersonalelectroniccommunication.com/ (Sam Pink) answered my questions. I am training to be a journalist.

Question 1.

What the fuck is your problem?

my problem is that i want to climb a tree and sit on a branch until i die and i don't want anyone to touch me, i think starving to death would be the most painful way to die.


Question 2.

Why don't you leave me alone?

because i enjoy hugging your head to my chest until you pass out. you are my little lamb socrates. i want to walk around outside with you and do "science experiments" on birds and stuff.

Question 3.

Do you like it when I do this?

don't touch me

Question 4.

What rate of pay are you looking for per hour?

aside from whoever wrote "the indian in the cupboard" i am the best writer in the galaxy so i expect to be paid in gold, in diamonds and blood and bones and everything i deserve and i want to have at least ten kids with random women because i was destined by god to procreate and also to cut up little strips of the earth and throw them at the sun

Question 5.

Oh My God, You are Soooooooooooooooooo dreamy!!!

socrates, don't be cute with me. i will dedicate myself to ruining your life. you have no idea how fucking petty i am. i am the shittiest, most petty human, and i will dedicate myself to ruining your life if only to confuse you

Question 6.

How does it make you feel when you fail at something?

i always feel the same.

Question 7.

Why are you such a failure?

i always feel the same

Question 8.

Do you think you will ever succeed at anything?

maybe. right now, i am exercising a lot so i can just beat people up to reduce my anger rather than writing stupid "poems" and other shit to reduce it

Question 9.

Why am I such a failure?

because you forget to put your lips over your teeth while you are doing it

Question 10.

What are your influences?

hardcore drugs and cutting drugged people up in my basement with a box cutter and slayer and gummy worms and nice people and sitting on a couch in my quiet room with a big blanket wrapped around me and funneling a glass full of my own blood into my ass then jumping around until the blood foams and sometimes just having a hot cup of cocoa with some friends catching up on how much everyone hates me

Hands Off!

I nearly got mugged yesterday.
Two people from my work ran up behind me and grabbed me.
They were joking.
It was nightime and I got really scared.
I stabbed them with the fork I carry in case of actual mugging.
They are in intensive care.

Action 4

I sit with my arms in front of me and my legs crossed. I have a spike. I made the spike earlier. I ground a fork down until it became a lovely spike. I trace thin red cuts on my arms and let the exposed blood run gently down to my hands. The spike does not look bloody. At the end of my arms there is a bowl that I have filled with cream. My blood slowly and carefully pours into the cream. The white and red look good together. I wish that it was other parts of me with the cream. 

I don't lose much blood. A few grams. I can hear the sound of divine music washing over my head as I lose the weight. I touch rapture and transcendence. I am not often peaceful. This is not a pain. This is release. I do not hate myself. I am in love with my self. Only for an hour. 

Post Traumatic Stress Erectile Dysfuntion

Today I am in the middle of a week of training at work. Colleagues from the area offices take me and others into the small room and tell me about things that make me into a better worker and more kind person. 

I am in love with the people who train me.

I love you Trudy. 

Trudy is the most beautiful and clever woman I have ever met. She is tender and kind and sweet. Trudy, you will never know the secret and burning passion I have in my fragile heart for you. You will never understand the silent adulation which you cause.

When Trudy leans over the desk I do a small growing. 

I also love Mildred. Mildred does the morning training sometimes. I wrote a poem for Mildred:

Mildred,

Oh Mildred,

Mild Mildred,

When will we wed?

Mildred?

My Mildred

It is called Mildred.

I also love Rowena. Rowena is willowy and lithe like a silvery winter branch. She hands out all of the training booklets and it makes my heart pound to touch the pages she has touched. I wish that her glasses would fall off. There is nothing saucier than a ladies little spectacles falling all over the place. It is as though she is saying "For what I have planned, I would rather not be able to see."

I love you my three beauties.

My dream is that they are my wives and we live on a small canal barge somewhere inaccessible and private. In my dream they all have sex with me all of the time or rather whenever both parties agree in a loving and tender manner. 

I don't really love them I just want to have sex with them. 

I only ever had sex once and it didn't go very well.

I want to try it again some time in case I put it in the wrong bit or whatever.

OH NO

AWARD

I have been nominated for a prestigious and well-regarded award.

http://manchizzle.blogspot.com/2008/09/2008-manchester-blog-awards-shortlist.html

I want to win so badly it makes me want to cry.
I am going to ruthlessly bribe and coerce my way to the top.
I am going to bribe the judges with a saucy card with a photo of an area of my leg which I have shaved on it.
I am going to make a delicious feast of marinaded goat in moroccan spices.
I am going to win.
I have to win.
Winning is my destiny.
If I lose I will be crushed.
I have never been to an awards ceremony.
I will win.
What happens if I don't win?
I think I might get fired if I don't win.
I am going to check with my boss.





My boss says I can't go.

I just can't do my life any more

I don't mean that I am going to commit suicide; I just need to change everything in my life.
I feel constantly miserable. Everything is terrible. Don't force me to do it anymore.

The Police

A police man is looking at me.
He is wearing a reinforced hat.
He knows my secret.
I have a lobster thermidor down my pants.
The lobster is moist.
The police man is licking his lips.

Conference

I am lying in my bed and the fan is on making loads of noise and keeping me awake. The fan is making me cold but I don't want to turn it off because if I get out from underneath the covers then I will be vulnerable.

I am thinking about putting on a conference in an international convention centre. I will have delegates at my conference. There will be speakers giving talks on a wide range of topics. The first topic will be "Five pound notes: A guide to Etiquette." The talk will last 30 mins with 5 mins for q and a afterwards.

Everything will be smooth and quick at the conference. People will describe it as unmissable. There will be a talk about The Different Wind Models That Can Be Achieved By Opening Two Windows In The Same Room To Aid In The Dissapation Of Cigarette Smoke. There will be a talk on Muscular arms.

I will give a talk. It will be a clever talk. The talk is going to be daring and brilliant. It is going to be groundbreaking and will totally undermine all of the recieved wisdom. I don't know what it's on yet.

My conference will be in sweden and there will be a dress code. I will give people as much free ice as they want. The slogan for the guys who give out the free ice will be "After all, we are in Sweden"

There will be a man outside with a gun who looks seriously terrifying. I will remove all of the bins around the conference and tape up the post boxes. I will forget to empty one of the post boxes. The post will be trapped forever.

I love my successful conference.

Everything around me and in me is falling to pieces

I am staring at the space between my hands on my desk. I am feeling pretty low.

My boss is in his room. The computer is on. The phone is either ringing or connected. I am either speaking or breathing. I have a pain in my head and between each of my knuckles.

I feel isolated. There are people around me; I feel penned in by the people. They are my team. We do things together. They do funny voices and make jokes. Every time one of them makes a joke I do not laugh. In fact I do not laugh ever.

I go home and on the way home I by some chipped potatoes. I have gravy on my chipped potatoes. The gravy is rich and thick and tastes beefy. It is a glutinous beefy slop. It is a thick brown beefy paste. It is a beef slime. It is the tastiest, beefiest residue I know. It is full of dead beef. It is full of offal and bones and marrow. It is maybe made of kidney stew.

I finish my meal and sit on my sofa carefully. I listen to a song and do some naked dancing.

This is the song I dance to.

http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/1/6/1684211/bodies.mp3

The gravy has driven me into a frenzy.

Work

Oh my god I am back at work my face hurts and I am scared I am back at work I can see my boss and my team I wish I was in a brown room not out in the open I think there are african fighting bees on my penis it hurts it feels like my legs are going to explode and my eyes are crying I am back at work there is some coffee I am back at work.

My Holiday Diary

Day One

Arrived.

Didn't go anywhere.

Day Two

I am lost.

Day Three

Got attacked by a lizard. It came in through the window and then left. It took something but I don't know what.

Cut my foot on a piece of metal.

Day Four

Tried to access work e-mail.

Contracted an electronic virus.

Unplugged computer from wall, ripped socket out of the wall.

Fell backwards into a bin.

Had a rollmop.

Day Five - Seven

Sat down.

Day Eight

Got up.

Looked out of the window at the shutters.

Tried to open the shutters for some fresh air.

Dust from the shutters got into my nose.

Was sneezing for two minutes.

Tried to find my asthma inhaler.

I had forgotten my asthma inhaler.

Sucked on a pencil hoping for a placebo effect.

Had a mild asthma attack.

Day Nine

Too scared to move.

A man tried to breach the room/prison.

Day Ten

Did some exercises.

Looked at the place in the wall where the plug socket used to be.

Put my face in the place where the plug socket used to be.

Felt dangerous.

Day Eleven

Had some raisins.

Tried to invent a new language.

Made up a word "Polt"

"Polt" means "Oh Dear"

Some of the words in my new language can mean up to three of our words.

Made up a word "tunge".

"Tunge" means "Little Man With"

Day Twelve

Poured salt onto my tongue.

Vacation Situation

I have been counting the number of tiles in my bathroom. The tiles are very small maybe 1 cm x 1 cm or equivalent. There are hundreds of them. Back home, I don't have loads of tiles in my bathroom just six big ones. One on the floor. One on the ceiling, one on each wall.

I am not accustomed to my surroundings. I keep bumping my foot on the side of a table. The table is made out of a sharp metal. I keep bleeding over the floor.

I am not allowed to throw tissue paper down the toilet. It blocks up the system. There are many many tissues in the waste paper bin that are covered in blood from my foot. I feel as thought the tissues are going to spill out all over the place at any minute.

I am looking at the corners of my room. There is a cockroach in one of them. I spend one minute standing on my bed, holding a slipper in my hand in case it moves. It doesn't move.

The cockroach is a rich chocolate colour. It looks like a shining medjool date. The cockroach is glistening. It is a foreign cockroach. It can survive a nuclear blast and having it's head cut off. I look at my slipper.

The cockroach is gone.

I read in a magazine once that for every one cockroach you see there are at least five million hiding just out of eye sight. They know where you are looking and just keep out of your field of vision. If I could turn round quick enough I would be able to see a shifting brown mass of cockroaches behind me, falling off the furniture into a crunchy mess on the marble floor. I think the only way to combat this is with CCTV. I don't have any CCTV.

I spend an hour smashing up the mirror in the bathroom carefully into two evenly sized pieces. I take two forks and some sellotape as well as two little plates. I fix the mirrors onto the plates. I attach the forks on each side of my head so that they stick out past my ears. I attach the mirror/plates to the forks.

I've got wing mirrors now. I'm a foreign, cockroach detecting mancar.

I don't see any more cockroaches all day - even in my wing mirrors.

When I go to sleep I take off my underwear and a cockroach falls out. I think it was the cockroach from before. It was trying to make it with my penis.

Holiday. Holiday. Holiday

I have definitely learnt how to rest. I am so god damn rested. I have thought of nothing for nearly two weeks now. I am afraid of the face in the wood on the wall. The face looks like an old man with a beard. It looks like he is an angry man.

Someone knocks on my door. I have never spoken to anyone before.

I forget about it.

Someone else knocks on my door. It might be the same person. Who would knock twice.

I do not answer the knock.

But what if it is a nude lady? I think that there is a small chance that it is a nude lady at my door. She could be lost and maybe a sandstorm stripped all of her clothes off. 

No way is it a nude lady at my door. The knock sounds quite manly. 

Maybe it is a gruff man. I don't speak any of the local language but I can't think of anything I could have done to upset anyone enough for them to knock on my door, to knock on my door twice. 

I quickly adjust my hair and make my way to the door. I try to open the door. I almost open the door. The door is pretty much stuck now. I can hear someone outside saying things. It sounds like this 'hhuug yug slinkism goodfread kollinc'.

I am never coming on holiday again. This has been the worst two weeks of my life. I have done nothing for two weeks and now an angry man is trying to communicate with me in another language.

I quickly try and fall asleep while I am standing by the door. I can't do it. The man keeps talking for twenty minutes. 

I don't know why but I think this would somehow be a good time to masturbate.

Is it good to masturbate in a foreign country while a man is trying to get into your house and you have half opened your door and are scared and he is speaking a foreign language to you while you masturbate?

Will this holiday never end?

What do people do on holidays.

I received a message from my boss on my phone it says.

"You made a huge mistake at work. You didn't tell me. I'm not going to fire you but when you come back I'm going to make you feel dreadful. I'm not going to tell you what the mistake was because when you come back I'm going to ask you about it and you are going to tell me about another mistake you made that's worse and then you'll be in even worse trouble. You will tell me about all of the mistakes you have ever made and I'm going to write them up in my triplicate book and I'm going to distribute them to the office and then everyone will know how terrible you are at everything. Fuck you. I hate you. You are shit. I am the shitter. FUCK YOU"

Holiday

I am on Holiday. I have come away from the daily grind. I am in a wooden room. The walls are made of wood. It is a brown, wooden room. I think the room is infested with wood worm. I think they are eating away at the wood beneath my feet. I'm going to fall through the floor into a big cooking pot and get eaten by a cannibal. The scenery outside is lovely. I haven't left my room for the four days I have been here so far. 

I have not participated in watersports. I have not gone to the nightclubs. I have not eaten local produce. I have not had the sun shining on my face. I have not been to any ancient ruins. I have not been to the local shops. I have not gone swimming in the sea. I have not bought any miniature figurines. I have not had a romantic incident with any young ladies or a prostitute. I have not developed an unwell gastric system. 

My gastric system is just fine.

My dinner every night is a rollmop.

My breakfast in the mornings is some raisins.

My lunchtime is consist of eating one bread and maybe I also do a filling of creamy ham and butters. 

Everytime I always doing my toilet to the tick tock regular always I have the handsome deposit in the basin. 

My cameras is memory fullup with a brown square. Every picture a brown square I have many squares.

I am trying to speak like a local person trying to speak English.

I think this makes my racist. 

I am even less happy here than in the other place. 

Blow My Own Head Off

It is thursday and I am sitting in the bad room. I am looking at a thin black microphone. My boss is sitting in the room next to the room I am in. This is an inquest. I hear my bosses voice over the speakers. It is like a blanket. He is asking me a question about the incident. It happened so many months ago now it seems like a different life somehow. The microphone looks like an infected penis. It is a shining rod. All of a sudden I hear something that sounds like a gun shot go off. I let out a little scream. My ears are ringing from the pain. I cannot cover them with my hands as I am strapped onto the chair. The noise came from above me. I look at the window through to the room next to me. My boss isn't there any more.

I look up.

My boss floats serenely above me. He is trussed up and oiled, slowly rotating in a harness facing me. His body squeezes out between the thin straps holding him up. He looks like the sunday roast. Slime is dripping from him onto me. He is like a self basting turkey. He is naked. He has a gun. He is firing the gun at me. I'm in for it now.