another thing i made

sorry everyone i just can't stop it

click here

i made this

most powerful and primal post of all time

he romantically kissed her tender and female mouth with incredible and non-ironic passion. he expertly unbuttoned her soft and feminine cardigan with his extremely rough and masterful masculine male hands. she endearingly submitted to his bestial and increasingly manic lust. he used his large and hairy hands to rip apart every remaining piece of clothing that used to be on her body but now, slightly later on in time, lay on the floor in front of her. he forcefully pushed her entire physical being onto a bed that belongs to him it is his bed. she fell like a sweet and magical maiden onto the bed and got ready to meet and match his earthy and all conquering carnal desire with an equal quantity of sexual and physically appropriate love making moves.

when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing

new content

do you love the sound of my voice?

if you do, you can hear it saying words that i wrote here

thank you

please look at these

this one

and

this one

please write some great comments, and make them into internet megamemes.

please

i can't stand it

when i die

i want the entire population of the earth to grieve for ten years. i want people to build statues of me.

is that so much to ask?

ok i understand

i am lying in my bed awake. i am trying to get to sleep and i can't get to sleep.

i am thinking about all of the things in my life. i am thinking about all of the things that are connected together and make up my life. i am the connection between all of these things and they are all important to me.

i think i can see swirling grey in the shadows at the end of my bed.

i am thinking about every event that has ever happened in my entire life. starting with birth. when i was born i couldn't go to the toilet for three days and i nearly died.

every time i go to a party i tell this story about being a constipated baby and everyone laughs. i say 'i could have died.' they say, 'that's why it's funny.'

i wonder if i had died then whether on my tombstone it would have said 'unnamed: crapped and pissed himself to death'

thinking about events in my life is a good and healthy thing. it means i have perspective on my situation. i haven't not been able to sleep like this for a very long time. i like it. i think it means that i am definitely alive 100%.

art

best news headline of all time finally discovered

click for larger image

the most terrifying story about vampires ever written

everyone you know is a vampire.

there was a special chemical that was put into the water system that affected every tap in the world except the ones that you drink from. every person in the world became a vampire.

were you the lucky one or the unlucky one?

it depends on whether you value your humanity or whether you value fitting in with everyone else.

as soon as you leave your house you are going to be sucked to death by a million vampires. maybe the best thing to do is suicide? don't do it! there is still a chance. maybe if you lock yourself in a small room you will never be found.

a small room like a........................................................

........................................

..........................................

.........................................

........COFFIN!?!?!?!?!

the implication is that you will be acting like a vampire anyway.

what a ridiculous and non-terrifying awful story about vampires.

the ring-leader of the vampires is still at large or is he yes he is.

mysterious goings on at the local school

no one could work out what was going on at the local school. it was a mystery. the children were acting out of character. the staff of the school were scared of the students.

it was satanism.

but no one knew that.

except for the children who were major-league satanists.

it started with simple things: Crucifixes being turned upside down. Pictures of goats being scrawled all over everything that wasn't a picture of a goat. Five pointed stars being painted on the wall in arcane fluids.

no one could work it out so they called in the police. the police were stumped. they called for the best investigator in the whole country, inspector gorth. gorth was a very old man who was close to death. he always wears the same coat. it is a grey trenchcoat that he has owned for around 50 years. it has a patina of grease and grime and wax. it is indestructible.

gorth is destructible. when he arrived he paced around the school for five days and then said, 'this is way bigger than any of us.'

then he died from dramatic feeling. he was overcome with a tense and dramatic feeling and it clogged up his veins and made his heart explode! his second in command was so upset that he started crying.

the fbi came over from america and couldn't work out was going on at the satanist school. the children all wore moustaches and rich red velvet robes. it was 100% satanic. eventually everyone lost interest because it was just too mysterious. what a boring and long-winded story about satanic children!

one of the children was the ring leader but he was never caught. he is still at large today or is he?

my dad, kenny and cotton stones

i really liked reading this

everyone who reads what's on my blog should read what's on this one

in case of confusion i had better say right now that both of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

addendum:

one of my friends who i haven't seen for a long time has made this short film. i thought it was very good so here is a link to it. it is a very direct and economical film. it has a very good 'length:emotional impact' ratio.

in case of confusion i had better say right now that all of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

supermarket

doing my shopping is the most fun thing that i can do in my life. i am pulsing down the aisles of the supermarket. i am the blood in the veins of the supermarket. i am the shaving foam pumping around the chin of the supermarket. i am the battery being slotted into the spring ended slot of the supermarket. i am the sunlight caught by the leaves of the supermarket. i am the tree supporting the eco-system of the supermarket. i am the chair under the buttocks of the supermarket. i am the bird cleaning the supermarket's teeth. i am the stork delivering the babies of the supermarket. i am the beard scratching the face of the supermarket. i am the muscles ripping the shirt of the supermarket. i am the stalker following the footsteps of the supermarket. i am the cornership being consumed by the supermarket. i am the minority being persecuted by the supermarket. i am the pilot made automatic by the supermarket. i am the chef cooking the kidneys of the supermarket. i am the drummer beating the skin of the supermarket. i am the worm crapping out the silk of the supermarket. i am the finger picking the nose of the supermarket. i am the iron flattening the creases of the supermarket. i am the vampire draining the veins of the supermarket. i am the shepherd guiding the flock of the supermarket. etc.

happy new year

self-destruction = rebirth

charity

every day i walk past a man who asks me for things in the same order every day. the first thing he asks me for is money. he says, 'could i have some money, lad.' i normally give him some money but not very much, maybe thirty pence or a bit more. then he says, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes.' i say no.

i am walking past the man. he is looking at me. i think, not today, please not today. he shuffles towards me. i look at him while trying to not look at his eyes. he says to me, 'could i have some money, lad?'

i move my hand around in my pocket until i find forty pence. i give the pence to him. i touch his hand by accident. he grabs my hand like the jaws of a dog clamping down on the neck of a smaller dog.

he says to me, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes?'

i say, 'OK.'

it is a cold day. it is snowing. i stand in front of him for a second before moving my hand out of his hand. i dramatically uncurl my scarf from around my neck. i give him the scarf. he says, 'now the coat.'

i unbutton my coat all the way down and then take it off and give it to him. he is holding my coat and my scarf over his arm the way in which a waiter holds a napkin. he says, 'the shoes lad, the shoes.'

i kneel down and undo my shoes. i take them off my feet and stand in the snow. the snow is melting onto my feet and making them cold. i give the man my shoes. they are resting on top of the coat and scarf.

he says, 'can i borrow your trousers and shirt and socks and underwear?'

i shiver and say, 'sure'.

i take all of my clothes off and stand in front of the man. he is holding the clothes. he says, 'thanks lad.' i say 'no problem, lad.'

he walks over to a large sleety puddle and drops my belongings into it. i am shivering in the cold. snow is landing on my body and melting. my breath is a mist. i am shaking. the man walks back over to me. 'now fuck off' he says.

update re: current situation

i sit alone in my room looking out of the window for about eight hours each day.

i tap away on my computer amending and updating and writing new things.

i listen to music all day long.

i eat three vitamin tablets a day; Multivitamin and iron (general health), Omega 3, 6 , 9 (brain and heart health), Cod liver oil (joint health).

i have for breakfast each day two slices of wholemeal bread for slow release energy and also one cup of water for hydration.

i go to the local pool and go swimming nearly every day.

i sit in the spa at the local pool and my head is totally empty.

i think about reaching out to people etc.

i go shopping for very small things to keep me alive e.g olive oil spread.

i am in love with my life and i hope that it never changes except for a couple of things.

i can see buses almost whenever i want to.

i can see red brick buildings almost whenever i want to.

i downloaded google chrome; it is now my default browser.

i look at a lot of slate every day.

i am cold almost every day.

everything's fine first draft

is now complete. it is 46300 words long. i am really happy with it. wish me luck.

advert site for everything's fine ready

www.everythingsfine.net

i made this

Proposed front Cover for 'Everything's Fine'

Everything's Fine

Has hit 34,000 words.

10,000 words in a week.

I felt like i hit my stride this week.

I need to write about another 14-18k and then the first draft will be done.

I feel like crying.

I have finished part 2.

There are 3 parts or rather, there will be 3 parts.

I think that the book might actually be OK.

It has definitely come a long way.

I recommend trying to write a book to everyone.

Everything's Fine

Now stands at 24,000 words.

% complete

42

Preview of Novel. (13000 words)

Chapter 8

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login: iantrouble

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Welcome to the members area of the site. Pretty soon you will be eligible to earn real money completing surveys for our clients. Our clients value the opinions of ordinary hard working human beings like you. The first step is to complete one of the introductory surveys you will find below and send us the results so that we can build up a picture of which demographic group you belong to. It should take no longer than 5 – 40 minutes depending on the survey you take and your reading ability and length of your answers. Please select a survey to take:

1. Your Household

2. Products that you use

3. Important events in your life

4. Sports and lesiure

5. Politics and power

6. Your job

Important Events in your life.

Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible. If you do not answer honestly you will not be eligible for any money.

When did you leave school? - Over five years ago.

Why did you leave school? - To be a salesman and make a lot of money selling tubes.

Do you have a job? - Yes I sell tubes.

Have you moved away from home? - Yes

Why did you choose to move away from home? - I found living with my parents difficult and wanted my independence.

Have you ever had a life threatening injury/disease? - No, although I fell out of a swing when I was young which was quite close to a road.

Are you currently suffering from a terminal disease/Do you expect to die soon? - No!

Does anyone in your family have any life threatening diseases? - My daughter is a tube.

Do you have any grandchildren? - No

When are you going to get pregnant? - N/A

Please do not answer any questions with N/A, our clients need full answers that truly reflect your personality and needs. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant – Never, I am a man.

Please do not answer any questions with Never, we don't know what is going to happen in life. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant? - As soon as possible.

What is the achievement in your life of which you are most proud? - Never taking drugs.

Have you ever been the victim of Hurricane Katrina? - Indirectly. When that many people die, the whole world suffers.

Have you ever been the victim of any other generic natural disasters? - Minor earthquake which I didn't notice was going on but in the morning a tree had fallen on my car.

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be in a coma and thought that maybe being in a coma wouldn't be so bad? - No

Do you often think about comas? - No

Have you ever thought about the best way to induce a coma? - No

Have you ever wondered about the mental experiences of someone who is in a coma? - Yes

Have you ever thought that your whole life is your own dream and that you are in a coma? - No

How do you think time is perceived whilst in a coma? - Slowly I suppose.

Do you have any children? - Yes, one girl, tube shape, indeterminate age.

Thank you for completing the survey. You are not eligible for any future surveys and have earned no money. Your account will be deleted shortly.

www.lastdayatwork.com

today is my last day at work
www.ifeelodd.com
www.notanormal.com
//intranet.com

www.idon'tknowwhat'sgoingon.com

blistering return to the womb

i look at the screen for a long time maybe two hours or longer. i am not sure where the screen ends and where the physical world begins. my screen is physical but also has an intellectual connection with my mind.

my screen has a physical connection to my mind. my screen is a single glowing panel. it creates light, or rather it converts electrical energy into luminescence.

i am watching luminescent patterns appear on my screen. lumen is an ancient word for light. light was the same a thousand years ago although it didn't often come from a screen.

thousands of years ago people had different jobs to the jobs that we do today. i think i would have been a gladiator thousands of years ago. i watch the light on my screen change in reaction to the movements of my fingers.

my fingers want to hold a sword and stab animals and get covered in blood. i want to wipe animals blood over my face and shout.

only joking.

i am happy manipulating a keyboard and watching the light change on my screen.

World of Wordcount

7501

I am going to make

a new MMORPG

it is called "world of wordcount"

Break from updates

Poem:

every time i look in a mirror
i think
i wish that there was not a mirror here
and i didn't look like that
and that that man would stop standing threateningly behind me
whenever i look in a mirror
it's freaking me out

Everything's Fine word count update.

5064

Everything's Fine Word Count Update

4456

Everything's Fine wordcount update:

4454

MONETISE

i am on my way to the the barbers. i have cut my own hair for the past three years but it is time to grow up.

i want to cry.

i arrive at the barber shop and i wait for a while and then i sit in the chair. the barber starts to look at my hair. he is making a face. he touches my hair with his hands and then recoils with a look of disgust on his face.

he lets out a noise 'aeurgh'.

he lets out his voice 'who cut this last mate?'

i say 'no one'

he says 'what do you mean?'

i say 'just cut it' - i am not very good at talking to people

he says 'i'm not doing it unless you pay me £50'

i say ok

I HAVE BEEN MONETISED

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISPIN BEST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

exciting story

so the mother had an affair with a school teacher who had a secret crush on the mother's daughter who is quite young but not young enough for it to be illegal although it may be immoral so he was only have a relationship with the mother to get closer to the daughter.

pretty steamy stuff.

this is the kind of life that we all wish we could lead and also we all want to be famous and have lovely slender arms and legs. let's all excite each other.

women

i have been sitting across the table from the snail for around 15 minutes. i am staring him out.

the snail has retracted into his shell and has not come out for 10 minutes.

like so many before it, the disagreement that lead to this situation had been created because of a woman.

she likes me - i am sure of it. what has the snail got that i don't have? she can't like him. i might be in love with her.

the snail is still not moving and it's getting late. but i am not going to back down over this.

the snail comes out of his shell and casually slimes off of the table.

i think i might have been staring at the wrong snail.

it was definitely the wrong snail.

i feel so stupid.

four hours in the future i am going to catch the snail having sex with her and crush him in a fit of jealous passion.

2 months later i will be in prison.

good bye life.

ultra failure

before you know it all of the time that you thought you had has gone elsewhere.

all that is around is a whining scream and disappointment.

i am sitting on a wet, slick and rotting tree stump. there is a square of earth around the rotting tree stump: around that is asphalt. my legs dangle and bounce on and off the tree stump.

the tree stump is in my primary school playground. the tree stump is a tombstone.

a slight but noticeable difference

a room and two people i am one of them you are the other

there is a difference in the air

i am older and not quite the same

you have somehow remained constant and mathematical

a crumb of tender thought falls from your lips to your lap

the modern lives we lead have powdered your tenderness

the modern lives we lead have dessicated our joy

we need moisture.

the full stop means that is the end of the poem. the word poem and porn are dangerously close together on a modern plastic keyboard. that is not a clever insinuation. how can i describe in words the patterns of colour in my mind?

red and blue and grrrrrrrrrrreen

i am lying on my bed and looking straight up into heaven. you should see it. i looks like candy floss. you have come over to talk about things. i don't want to talk about things i just want to look straight up into heaven through the clouds and into all of the people that have died.

you tap me on the head with the small hammer of a judge and suddenly everything seems opaque and not real.

'wake up'

my body is refusing simple commands

i am called into my master's office. my master is waiting for me. he is not happy to have waited for me.

'why did you keep me waiting?'

i curl up into a ball and sit on the table in front of my boss while i cry. i feel as though my whole life is a series of mistakes.

my master gently massages my back and tells me that he cares for me and that i am a good worker. he tells me that everyone has troubles sometimes and that i am really ok. he tells me that things aren't that bad.

my boss has chalk on his hands and he traces patterns onto my shoulders. i sob enigmatically. i am a clockwork creature.

my boss lays a row of sweets on the floor which lead into a box. i melt down onto the floor and hoover up the sweets with my mouth while my boss rides me like a surf board. i arrive in the box that has much shredded newspaper.

i live in the box for two months.

serious writing

i am now a serious writer.

everything i do is measured and beautiful.

i stop people dead in their tracks with the elegance and beauty and economy of every sentence that i speak/write.

a woman passed out once because of the sophisticated way i said 'good morning'.

i am a voiced plosive.

novel

i am now writing a novel.

the novel is called 'everything's fine'.

it will never be released.

do not try and rescue my novel.

i am also working on another 'secret thing'.

please do not try and ask about my secret thing.

if you find out about the secret thing, please do not tell anyone about the secret thing.

Peppanpine

Sung to the tune of 'When I'm Cleaning Windows'

Now I've been eating pizza,
For such a long time,
And my favourite topping,
Is the humble Peppanpine.

The richest cheese,
Peppers to please,
Pineapple why thankyou not squeezed,
Pepperoni a delicious tease,
On a Peppanpine Pizza.

what's your problem?

my favourite breakfast is VX nerve gas/liquid on toast.

i eat it and think 'this is delicious'. 

VX nerve gas/liquid is very very toxic and smells of peaches or other sickly sweet fruits.

VX nerve gas/liquid was discovered in wiltshire in england which is in britain which is part of europe sort of.

the V in VX stands for 'very' i think. the X stands for X-treme. this is a bastardisation.

i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into the coffee machine at work. i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into all of my co-worker's coffee. 

i am going to smear the ebola virus onto the the doughnuts that my work colleagues eat. 

i am going to lace my porridge with hepatitis. 

i am going to powder some razor blades and put them on my bosses comb so that he accidently cuts all of his hair off.

i am going to slowly tear apart the world that i live in and pour acid on the rubble so that i can drink it up like a bloated and corpulent fly.

i am going to consume everything and then collapse.

send me a postcard

i am lying down on a bed that is so hard that it hurts my body to lie on it. 

i am on holiday.

the reason i am on holiday is because i was fired from my work place. 

let me explain.

my work place is a terrible place. my work involves strapping myself to a pole and being rotated above a fire for 8 hours a day. 

i am a professional kebab. 

i smother myself with mint sauce and chilli sauce. i put chilli sauce in my eyes. i shove salad into my orifices. then i do a dance for my boss. i am dressed up as a kebab. i am a succulent and submissive naked kebab. 

i am so greasy and delicious.

but i have had enough. 

my boss is eyeing me up as i put the sauces on to myself. he is eyeing me up and licking his lips and saying 'you are so hot kebab' and 'you are the hottest kebab in town'. 

i feel so sad. normally i like his compliments. but not today. the sauces are congealing all over my glazed and delicious body.

i feel worthless. i start to cry. i am sobbing in front of my boss. i collapse onto the floor and scream and scream 'i am not a fucking kebab i am a human being i am not a meal'.

my boss watches me.

'you are a kebab' he says.

'you are a delicious kebab' he says.

i am still crying and my boss is still eyeing. my boss pulls out a knife. he stabs me. i cry all the way to hospital.

after two weeks in hospital i get a note from my boss. it says 'you are fired' on it.

oh dear.

anxiety

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