entertainment

even more rejection

check this week's out.

it's the 'best ever' edition.

here

favourite tv shows

privileged
ugly betty
how to look good naked: disabled edition
gok wan's fashion fix
gossip girl
the gilmore girls
everwood
will and grace

my ten rules for writing fiction

1. if you haven't read 3,000 books you are not allowed to write anything
2. you have to buy a country cottage worth £450,000 before you are allowed to write anything
3. you have to have an IQ of 140 before you are allowed to write anything
4. you're going to be miserable and lonely and self critical and just suck it up ok and get on with it and get used to thinking constantly about yourself and making other people want to love you it's just who you are and you can't change it and it's part of your creative juices ok god
5. keep writing no matter how bad what you are writing is. keep writing forever and then fall over dead
6. whatever you do don't connect to the internet it is just soooooooo distracting
7. 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, 2 hours work, 2 hours sleep, repeat 3000x
8. never break your routine
9. be flexible routine
10. above all else be a great guy and go to loads of keg parties. don't forget you're alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miserable rejection

the new rejection digest is up. it's a good'un.

experimental writing

David's flat isn't a great place to relax. He is tired after the day. He is emotionally and physically tired after a long and tiring day which involved a lot of thinking about his methods as an artist. He thought a lot about the way he has developed over the years.

He thinks that he has not developed over the years.

David walks from one side of his modern kitchen to another and then he walks back to the other side.

He walks back and forth many times.

He is thinking about the past. These thoughts were provoked by his experiences on this day, with Susan, in the corner of the studio.

David moves into his bedroom. He lies down for a second. He lets his hand drop down beside the bed and then he hauls his whole body over the side of his bed so that he is lying on the floor. The floor is wooden.

He reaches under his bed and fumbles around for a while, trying to find something. He carries on fumbling. He can't find what he is looking for so he begins to crawl under his bed, head first. He thinks, 'God.'

It must be dusty under that bed. It never gets moved and nothing ever moves inside it.

After around twenty seconds of commitment David emerges from the bed. He is holding a tray of what look to be tiny cassette tapes. He moves around so that he is sitting with his back to the bed.

The tapes are all marked. They each have a date on them as well as a few words of description. The descriptions are things like, David and Norman on Women, David and Norman on Tourism, David and Norman on Beauty, etc. The descriptions are written in small, scratchy, black, upper-case handwriting. The tapes are carefully stored in historical order. The dates on the tapes are all over ten years old.

David looks through the tapes until he finds a tape that's description says 'David and Norman – Smoking'. He takes the tape out of the tray and ejects it from its container. There is a small voice recorder in David's bed side table which he puts the tape into.

David sits still at his desk and presses the play button on the voice recorder. The sound of almost silence plays from the small speakers of the recorder. It sounds like someone breathing out softly, forever.

David sits at the desk and removes a large cigar from his pocket. There is the sound of a lighter clicking into flame on the recording. David echoes the recorded action in real time. He smokes. He tries to breathe in and out very quietly so that he can hear the recording as clearly as possible. He wants to hear every tiny nuance and fold in the sound. He feels like a detective, pouring over case notes. Every now and then, he feels like he hears someone inhaling particularly ferociously and he feels happy. He feels like with the aid of this recording he can remember each individual breath and sucking in of smoke. He is thinking that he can remember exactly how it felt to breathe the smoke in on that particular day and how his body felt and where he was sitting in the hut and exactly what he could see from his eyes and the tiny subtle sounds he could hear with his ears. His memory of that time feels so utterly complete. He thinks that the memory of that time is the most important thing in his life. He thinks about Norman.

REJECT X 1,000,000

hey great guys. Please have a look at Rejection Digest. the first edition is on-line now and i am very pleased with it. i hope you all like it.

don't be ashamed of yourselves/me.

even more activity

i have a story here

sorry for doing all this stuff recently guys, i know it's tiring.

rejection digest

this is an experiment i am undertaking with crispin. have a look here and let me know what you think. please submit as much as you like.

i wonder whether this will take off.

x x x

threat

There are two people sitting under the gazebo next to the car park. They are both drunk. I am walking back from the supermarket and I have two bags with me. They are full of booze, crisps, chocolate, dipping sauces, cured meat and French cheese.

As I approach the two people I think, 'Please don't say anything to me.'

One of the two drunk people burps and then sneezes. He burps again. He drinks more of his strong beer and then burps.

I am very near them now.

The man who was burping slowly turns around. He is looking at me and standing aggressively.

He says to me, 'Party in number 41 tonight?'

I live at number 41. I try and smile at the man, but it is difficult when I am so scared.

As I walk into my home, I can feel the blood pulsing around my body.

I pace around for a while, thinking about the people.

For the whole night I sit up in my bed, unable to sleep. I think about the two people waiting outside my home. Waiting to follow my every move.

My groceries remain, uneaten, on the kitchen table.

hi

short story

i have a very smart looking short story up at pangur ban party.

you can find the story here.

hope you like it.

for every year

hi massive collection of doting and loving fans and great guys who love everything i have ever done and will ever do regardless of how good it is because it's me who made it!

i have something up at 'for every year', crispin best's insane collection of stories.

you can easily check it out by clicking here

i hope you like it!!!!!!!! x 100000000

another thing i made

sorry everyone i just can't stop it

click here

i made this

most powerful and primal post of all time

he romantically kissed her tender and female mouth with incredible and non-ironic passion. he expertly unbuttoned her soft and feminine cardigan with his extremely rough and masterful masculine male hands. she endearingly submitted to his bestial and increasingly manic lust. he used his large and hairy hands to rip apart every remaining piece of clothing that used to be on her body but now, slightly later on in time, lay on the floor in front of her. he forcefully pushed her entire physical being onto a bed that belongs to him it is his bed. she fell like a sweet and magical maiden onto the bed and got ready to meet and match his earthy and all conquering carnal desire with an equal quantity of sexual and physically appropriate love making moves.

when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing
when i get that feeling i want sexual healing

new content

do you love the sound of my voice?

if you do, you can hear it saying words that i wrote here

thank you

please look at these

this one

and

this one

please write some great comments, and make them into internet megamemes.

please

i can't stand it

when i die

i want the entire population of the earth to grieve for ten years. i want people to build statues of me.

is that so much to ask?

ok i understand

i am lying in my bed awake. i am trying to get to sleep and i can't get to sleep.

i am thinking about all of the things in my life. i am thinking about all of the things that are connected together and make up my life. i am the connection between all of these things and they are all important to me.

i think i can see swirling grey in the shadows at the end of my bed.

i am thinking about every event that has ever happened in my entire life. starting with birth. when i was born i couldn't go to the toilet for three days and i nearly died.

every time i go to a party i tell this story about being a constipated baby and everyone laughs. i say 'i could have died.' they say, 'that's why it's funny.'

i wonder if i had died then whether on my tombstone it would have said 'unnamed: crapped and pissed himself to death'

thinking about events in my life is a good and healthy thing. it means i have perspective on my situation. i haven't not been able to sleep like this for a very long time. i like it. i think it means that i am definitely alive 100%.

art

best news headline of all time finally discovered

click for larger image

the most terrifying story about vampires ever written

everyone you know is a vampire.

there was a special chemical that was put into the water system that affected every tap in the world except the ones that you drink from. every person in the world became a vampire.

were you the lucky one or the unlucky one?

it depends on whether you value your humanity or whether you value fitting in with everyone else.

as soon as you leave your house you are going to be sucked to death by a million vampires. maybe the best thing to do is suicide? don't do it! there is still a chance. maybe if you lock yourself in a small room you will never be found.

a small room like a........................................................

........................................

..........................................

.........................................

........COFFIN!?!?!?!?!

the implication is that you will be acting like a vampire anyway.

what a ridiculous and non-terrifying awful story about vampires.

the ring-leader of the vampires is still at large or is he yes he is.

mysterious goings on at the local school

no one could work out what was going on at the local school. it was a mystery. the children were acting out of character. the staff of the school were scared of the students.

it was satanism.

but no one knew that.

except for the children who were major-league satanists.

it started with simple things: Crucifixes being turned upside down. Pictures of goats being scrawled all over everything that wasn't a picture of a goat. Five pointed stars being painted on the wall in arcane fluids.

no one could work it out so they called in the police. the police were stumped. they called for the best investigator in the whole country, inspector gorth. gorth was a very old man who was close to death. he always wears the same coat. it is a grey trenchcoat that he has owned for around 50 years. it has a patina of grease and grime and wax. it is indestructible.

gorth is destructible. when he arrived he paced around the school for five days and then said, 'this is way bigger than any of us.'

then he died from dramatic feeling. he was overcome with a tense and dramatic feeling and it clogged up his veins and made his heart explode! his second in command was so upset that he started crying.

the fbi came over from america and couldn't work out was going on at the satanist school. the children all wore moustaches and rich red velvet robes. it was 100% satanic. eventually everyone lost interest because it was just too mysterious. what a boring and long-winded story about satanic children!

one of the children was the ring leader but he was never caught. he is still at large today or is he?

my dad, kenny and cotton stones

i really liked reading this

everyone who reads what's on my blog should read what's on this one

in case of confusion i had better say right now that both of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

addendum:

one of my friends who i haven't seen for a long time has made this short film. i thought it was very good so here is a link to it. it is a very direct and economical film. it has a very good 'length:emotional impact' ratio.

in case of confusion i had better say right now that all of those links lead to the same place so stop your god damn whining

supermarket

doing my shopping is the most fun thing that i can do in my life. i am pulsing down the aisles of the supermarket. i am the blood in the veins of the supermarket. i am the shaving foam pumping around the chin of the supermarket. i am the battery being slotted into the spring ended slot of the supermarket. i am the sunlight caught by the leaves of the supermarket. i am the tree supporting the eco-system of the supermarket. i am the chair under the buttocks of the supermarket. i am the bird cleaning the supermarket's teeth. i am the stork delivering the babies of the supermarket. i am the beard scratching the face of the supermarket. i am the muscles ripping the shirt of the supermarket. i am the stalker following the footsteps of the supermarket. i am the cornership being consumed by the supermarket. i am the minority being persecuted by the supermarket. i am the pilot made automatic by the supermarket. i am the chef cooking the kidneys of the supermarket. i am the drummer beating the skin of the supermarket. i am the worm crapping out the silk of the supermarket. i am the finger picking the nose of the supermarket. i am the iron flattening the creases of the supermarket. i am the vampire draining the veins of the supermarket. i am the shepherd guiding the flock of the supermarket. etc.

happy new year

self-destruction = rebirth

charity

every day i walk past a man who asks me for things in the same order every day. the first thing he asks me for is money. he says, 'could i have some money, lad.' i normally give him some money but not very much, maybe thirty pence or a bit more. then he says, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes.' i say no.

i am walking past the man. he is looking at me. i think, not today, please not today. he shuffles towards me. i look at him while trying to not look at his eyes. he says to me, 'could i have some money, lad?'

i move my hand around in my pocket until i find forty pence. i give the pence to him. i touch his hand by accident. he grabs my hand like the jaws of a dog clamping down on the neck of a smaller dog.

he says to me, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes?'

i say, 'OK.'

it is a cold day. it is snowing. i stand in front of him for a second before moving my hand out of his hand. i dramatically uncurl my scarf from around my neck. i give him the scarf. he says, 'now the coat.'

i unbutton my coat all the way down and then take it off and give it to him. he is holding my coat and my scarf over his arm the way in which a waiter holds a napkin. he says, 'the shoes lad, the shoes.'

i kneel down and undo my shoes. i take them off my feet and stand in the snow. the snow is melting onto my feet and making them cold. i give the man my shoes. they are resting on top of the coat and scarf.

he says, 'can i borrow your trousers and shirt and socks and underwear?'

i shiver and say, 'sure'.

i take all of my clothes off and stand in front of the man. he is holding the clothes. he says, 'thanks lad.' i say 'no problem, lad.'

he walks over to a large sleety puddle and drops my belongings into it. i am shivering in the cold. snow is landing on my body and melting. my breath is a mist. i am shaking. the man walks back over to me. 'now fuck off' he says.

update re: current situation

i sit alone in my room looking out of the window for about eight hours each day.

i tap away on my computer amending and updating and writing new things.

i listen to music all day long.

i eat three vitamin tablets a day; Multivitamin and iron (general health), Omega 3, 6 , 9 (brain and heart health), Cod liver oil (joint health).

i have for breakfast each day two slices of wholemeal bread for slow release energy and also one cup of water for hydration.

i go to the local pool and go swimming nearly every day.

i sit in the spa at the local pool and my head is totally empty.

i think about reaching out to people etc.

i go shopping for very small things to keep me alive e.g olive oil spread.

i am in love with my life and i hope that it never changes except for a couple of things.

i can see buses almost whenever i want to.

i can see red brick buildings almost whenever i want to.

i downloaded google chrome; it is now my default browser.

i look at a lot of slate every day.

i am cold almost every day.

everything's fine first draft

is now complete. it is 46300 words long. i am really happy with it. wish me luck.

advert site for everything's fine ready

www.everythingsfine.net

i made this

Proposed front Cover for 'Everything's Fine'

Everything's Fine

Has hit 34,000 words.

10,000 words in a week.

I felt like i hit my stride this week.

I need to write about another 14-18k and then the first draft will be done.

I feel like crying.

I have finished part 2.

There are 3 parts or rather, there will be 3 parts.

I think that the book might actually be OK.

It has definitely come a long way.

I recommend trying to write a book to everyone.

Everything's Fine

Now stands at 24,000 words.

% complete

42

Preview of Novel. (13000 words)

Chapter 8

www.paidsurveys.com/login

login: iantrouble

password: ******

Welcome to the members area of the site. Pretty soon you will be eligible to earn real money completing surveys for our clients. Our clients value the opinions of ordinary hard working human beings like you. The first step is to complete one of the introductory surveys you will find below and send us the results so that we can build up a picture of which demographic group you belong to. It should take no longer than 5 – 40 minutes depending on the survey you take and your reading ability and length of your answers. Please select a survey to take:

1. Your Household

2. Products that you use

3. Important events in your life

4. Sports and lesiure

5. Politics and power

6. Your job

Important Events in your life.

Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible. If you do not answer honestly you will not be eligible for any money.

When did you leave school? - Over five years ago.

Why did you leave school? - To be a salesman and make a lot of money selling tubes.

Do you have a job? - Yes I sell tubes.

Have you moved away from home? - Yes

Why did you choose to move away from home? - I found living with my parents difficult and wanted my independence.

Have you ever had a life threatening injury/disease? - No, although I fell out of a swing when I was young which was quite close to a road.

Are you currently suffering from a terminal disease/Do you expect to die soon? - No!

Does anyone in your family have any life threatening diseases? - My daughter is a tube.

Do you have any grandchildren? - No

When are you going to get pregnant? - N/A

Please do not answer any questions with N/A, our clients need full answers that truly reflect your personality and needs. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant – Never, I am a man.

Please do not answer any questions with Never, we don't know what is going to happen in life. Please answer again.

When are you going to get pregnant? - As soon as possible.

What is the achievement in your life of which you are most proud? - Never taking drugs.

Have you ever been the victim of Hurricane Katrina? - Indirectly. When that many people die, the whole world suffers.

Have you ever been the victim of any other generic natural disasters? - Minor earthquake which I didn't notice was going on but in the morning a tree had fallen on my car.

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be in a coma and thought that maybe being in a coma wouldn't be so bad? - No

Do you often think about comas? - No

Have you ever thought about the best way to induce a coma? - No

Have you ever wondered about the mental experiences of someone who is in a coma? - Yes

Have you ever thought that your whole life is your own dream and that you are in a coma? - No

How do you think time is perceived whilst in a coma? - Slowly I suppose.

Do you have any children? - Yes, one girl, tube shape, indeterminate age.

Thank you for completing the survey. You are not eligible for any future surveys and have earned no money. Your account will be deleted shortly.

www.lastdayatwork.com

today is my last day at work
www.ifeelodd.com
www.notanormal.com
//intranet.com

www.idon'tknowwhat'sgoingon.com

blistering return to the womb

i look at the screen for a long time maybe two hours or longer. i am not sure where the screen ends and where the physical world begins. my screen is physical but also has an intellectual connection with my mind.

my screen has a physical connection to my mind. my screen is a single glowing panel. it creates light, or rather it converts electrical energy into luminescence.

i am watching luminescent patterns appear on my screen. lumen is an ancient word for light. light was the same a thousand years ago although it didn't often come from a screen.

thousands of years ago people had different jobs to the jobs that we do today. i think i would have been a gladiator thousands of years ago. i watch the light on my screen change in reaction to the movements of my fingers.

my fingers want to hold a sword and stab animals and get covered in blood. i want to wipe animals blood over my face and shout.

only joking.

i am happy manipulating a keyboard and watching the light change on my screen.

World of Wordcount

7501

I am going to make

a new MMORPG

it is called "world of wordcount"

Break from updates

Poem:

every time i look in a mirror
i think
i wish that there was not a mirror here
and i didn't look like that
and that that man would stop standing threateningly behind me
whenever i look in a mirror
it's freaking me out

Everything's Fine word count update.

5064

Everything's Fine Word Count Update

4456

Everything's Fine wordcount update:

4454