MONETISE

i am on my way to the the barbers. i have cut my own hair for the past three years but it is time to grow up.

i want to cry.

i arrive at the barber shop and i wait for a while and then i sit in the chair. the barber starts to look at my hair. he is making a face. he touches my hair with his hands and then recoils with a look of disgust on his face.

he lets out a noise 'aeurgh'.

he lets out his voice 'who cut this last mate?'

i say 'no one'

he says 'what do you mean?'

i say 'just cut it' - i am not very good at talking to people

he says 'i'm not doing it unless you pay me £50'

i say ok

I HAVE BEEN MONETISED

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISPIN BEST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

exciting story

so the mother had an affair with a school teacher who had a secret crush on the mother's daughter who is quite young but not young enough for it to be illegal although it may be immoral so he was only have a relationship with the mother to get closer to the daughter.

pretty steamy stuff.

this is the kind of life that we all wish we could lead and also we all want to be famous and have lovely slender arms and legs. let's all excite each other.

women

i have been sitting across the table from the snail for around 15 minutes. i am staring him out.

the snail has retracted into his shell and has not come out for 10 minutes.

like so many before it, the disagreement that lead to this situation had been created because of a woman.

she likes me - i am sure of it. what has the snail got that i don't have? she can't like him. i might be in love with her.

the snail is still not moving and it's getting late. but i am not going to back down over this.

the snail comes out of his shell and casually slimes off of the table.

i think i might have been staring at the wrong snail.

it was definitely the wrong snail.

i feel so stupid.

four hours in the future i am going to catch the snail having sex with her and crush him in a fit of jealous passion.

2 months later i will be in prison.

good bye life.

ultra failure

before you know it all of the time that you thought you had has gone elsewhere.

all that is around is a whining scream and disappointment.

i am sitting on a wet, slick and rotting tree stump. there is a square of earth around the rotting tree stump: around that is asphalt. my legs dangle and bounce on and off the tree stump.

the tree stump is in my primary school playground. the tree stump is a tombstone.