Wednesday, 25 August 2010

advert for lovely and fresh marmite

marmite company, you owe me some money. please send it to me. i kept my end of the bargain.

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

advert for 'delicious' evian mineral water

could someone who works at evian send me some money, please?

if you have a product you would like me to advertise, please let me know.

Thursday, 12 August 2010

i am afraid of dying

just hit 30,000 words.

here is a sneak peak, to get everyone interested. if anyone wants to give me some money for it, now would be a great time!


John is talking about drinking in a pub.

'Drinking is OK, but I will never do it again because I am so drunk that it feels uncomfortable.'

Processing these words, bored. There is a pint of Guinness on the table. There is a glass of Bailey's next to the Guinness. The Bailey's is there as a joke.

'Drinking is making me feel so drunk.'

Smelling fried food. The smell of fried food. The smell of Guinness. The taste of Guinness. Swallowing Guinness. Can't be bothered. Bothereding. Bothering. Not bothering. Not being bothereding. Impossible to be bothereding. It is not possible to be being botheredering.

Speech: Can't be bothered.

John has finished his drink and is looking like he wants to drink some more.

'I feel so drunk that if I drink anything else I will be so drunk that I may get sick. I am going to buy another drink. Do you want another drink?

Nodding head. Finishing Guinness. Looking at the women in this bar. None of the women are a woman that used to live with someone who didn't call the landlord when he was meant to.

There are women here with the same parts as that particular woman. They wear the same clothes. They seem to not speak an identifiable language. They feel perfumed. Feelings of physical lust intensified by alcohol. Women torment man by their existence and his inability to understand or speak to them. Legs not trembling. There is a hand resting on the table and lightly stuck to it. The table surface is covered in a thin layer of ash, from many years ago, when smoking was allowed in here. The ash is covered with fluids. There is no Bailey's or Guinness left in the glasses on the table. More Bailey's and Guinness arrives as John sits down.

'This drink is going to push me over the edge. I am thinking about propositioning a woman this evening. I find it easier to that when I have had a drink.'

Boredom. Thinking about scrapheap challenge. Thinking about the female presenter of scrapheap challenge.

Speech: I miss my ex-girlfriend.

'Time heals everything,' Says John. 'Time heals all wounds.'

Speech: Time doesn't heal cancer.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

my penis is a book, etc

this is a direct response to/copy of this - sorry kendra

this blog will be from now on a collection of either gchats with DJ Berndt, or mildly pornographic images of me. i am trying to increase my hits. i want to make £1,000,000.

up for it?

the book is 'sherlock holmes'

Monday, 9 August 2010

gchat #2 with DJ Berndt

me: i hate it

i hate fosters
12:14 AM
my favourite drink is 'woman's milk' and vodka

DJ: wtf

me: a call it

the 'extra white russian'

it's delicious

DJ: hahahaha

woman's milk?

me: human milk + vodka

so delicious

DJ: oh my god Soc

me: it's common to drink woman's milk in england

DJ: shut up

me: do you not do it in the states?
12:15 AM

it's delicious

DJ: you lie

me: much sweeter than cow's milk

i'm serious

DJ: such a liar

I'm asking Ani

me: look it up

ask away
12:16 AM
DJ: I don't believe you

me: it's true


you should try it sometime

it's really delicious

and good for you

DJ: Whaaaat

this is insane

my mind is blown
12:17 AM
me: most restaurants have like a 'milk section' on the menu

i can't believe you didn't know this

DJ: I'm shocked

you drink milk that comes from a person?

me: yeah