Friday, 27 February 2009


An immense feeling of melancholy.

Is anything getting better?

A twisting tumble into despair

My life has become more and more strange. I feel increasingly detached, almost totally detached. Maybe a small part of my wrist is still attached.

The rest of me feels great - descending. I am looking through the ventian blinds onto on odd scene. There are twelve people auditioning to be my british best friend.

They have the bodies of sexy women but have my bosses face. Oh dear it is so hard to choose which one is my favourite british best friend. They all tell me that they are real and not fake.

There is a tube to my left that is being gripped by my hand. If I pull it down it will release the ants.

I release the ants.

The ants eat the british best friends. I am safe behind the venetian blinds.

There is a small protest group forming amongst the viscera of my british best friends. They all hold up cards that say 'murder is murder'. They are screaming at me.

I release the ants.

There is a list of things that are not true and i am going through them with my ants and eradicating them. I am eradicating fallacy. I am so angry about ignorance. The ants are resonating.

Don't ignore ants.

They are crawling over my wrist.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

i am david

everyone knows david, right?

you know? little david?


let's meet him.

this is the incredible thing i was involved in.

i made it with good old chris.

we are both very proud, like parents. like lovely and proud parents.

david is our suckling baby.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009


My body is floating in a long line of bodies on the way to the incinerator.

I am chatting to the body next to me - we are two by two - like animals into the ark. I can't turn my head because of the spike that is in my head.

"So, what are you here for?"

"Well - it's a long story."

"What happened?"

"I accidentally launched a baby."

This is the first time I have spoken to someone who isn't my boss for a long time.

A raven swoops down onto my stomach and looks at me. He has a moustache and is singing a happy song.

You are my one true love/
You make me smile/
Would you give me your love/
As I defile/

I am suddenly reminded of the rest of my life except for this psychotic episode. I am trapped in the toilet at work, crying. Sobs are erupting from me.

I am crying because I have finally had an emotional response to the treatment I receive at my work place. I will do something about it.

I keep thinking to myself that it is my own fault. I am crying and eating crisps. I am eating salt and vinegar crisps. They have a melancholic flavour. It is a very big bag of crisps - my tears are making them into a mush.

Thoughts of revolution and quiet rebellion surge inside of me. Freedom and fun can be mine - I can be human again. I can feel things in the normal way. I can achieve all of this very shortly.

I rub the vinegar mush into my face.

When I return to the office I am asked why I have taken such a long time.

I say that I fell into some crisps and it hurt my eyes.

I sit down at my pod and join the bodies on the way to the incinerator.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Monday, 16 February 2009

Something very special

I am involved in the creation of something very very very special.

Trust me.

This is going to be very very very special.

I hope you are excited.

Friday, 13 February 2009

I am

a writer who doesn't write anything

sitting on my sofa feeling lost

getting fatter and fatter every day

not capable

thinking about the time someone came up to me and got me worried


not asking anything of anyone

totally all over it like a rash, tell me what to do and i will achieve it i don't know why no one takes me seriously take me seriously i cannot sustain the level of quality over a long period of time that i can display over a short period of time what is the point in any of this what is the point i am losing my sense of irony and buying into a load of crap gowgnw

Thursday, 12 February 2009


Tap tap clicking tap tap button.

Looking over my shoulder.

I am talking.

I am looking at the clock.

I am nervous and bored.

There is a knot in my stomach.

My boss is hovering over my head.

He is a vampire.

He has a special hard on.

It will suck my blood out.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

New and Exciting Project

Ever wanted to be in charge of your own destiny?

Visit my new blog, Choose your own adventure.

I think that I am quite excited about it. It is interactive. Please join in and make it a success.

Electronic feedback mistake.

I am looking upwards from my bed out of the roof window. I can see the stretching beauty of the heavens. I am a small and insignificant extension of humanity. I am very important and life size. I am larger than life size.

I am thinking about my ambitions and other potentially exciting things. I do not think that I have a plan that will let me realise my ambitions. The man lying next to me turns towards me. It is not a man, it is a demon.

"Hi Pal."

"Hi Demon."

"Come on pal, sort your self out."


The demon dissapears. He is replaced by a phone. I dial myself through the phone lines and end up somewhere else. I am an electronic communication, stretching outwards and finding other pulses of light.

I think that I am going to short-circuit myself. I think that I am having a malfunction. I am a mixture of flesh and light.

Friday, 6 February 2009


Shove huge wads of cash into the shit-bowl. Make an ISA of your U-Bend. Grab your cheque book and baste it in your effluent. Attack the porcelain with coins and notes.

Throw all of your money into the toilet straight away. Shove it in and look away.

Maybe you have seen this?

I write a blog with Chris sometimes. I like doing it, it makes me feel sexy. You can check it out here if you like. It is only updated very rarely. Read it from the bottom to get the full power.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

I want to be a very brave little soldier.

I want to happilly live somewhere that is nice and well looked after.
I want to feel confident at all times.
I want to have a full and confident life.
I want to see far off lands and distant, forgotten peoples.
I want to have misty and mysterious surroundings.
I want to have plans.
I want to not squabble and make a fool of myself.
I want to be a pleasure to be around.
I want to develop a thick and ropey torso.
I want to do exercises to make my bottom the talk of the town.
I want chicken and pies to carry on forever.
I want to have ideas all of the time that delight people.
I want to be an honest and good man.
I want to be as funny and entertaining as I think I am.
I want to have a romance that continues to be fulfilling and passionate.
I want to make some money so that I can live a wonderful life.
I want to ensure that if I have children they are proud of me.
I want my parents to be proud of me.
I want to not be disgusting.
I want to look at the things I have collected in my life and think 'that's nice'.
I want to create something that everyone thinks is great.
I want to not worry about medical problems.
I want to understand things.
I want to go to bed at a reasonable time.
I want to have some control over my finances.
I want to have some control over my gut.
I want to eat forever.
I want to sleep in a comfortable and clean bed.

Sunday, 1 February 2009


I have inadvertently created another Chap Book. It it called MEN. Crispin created the words and I have drawn some very special pictures for it. If you would like to find out how to get a copy please go to here.

Trust me, this book is well worth having. It is absolutely incredible. I am seriously excited about it. I think Crispin is going to do some sewing on it or something.

My god.

If you are scared of e-mailing Crispn I suppose you can e-mail me (