Friday, 26 November 2010

gchat with my mum (using my dad's name)

Ron:do you remember when you were at primary school you were fascinated with jokes coming home everyday with new jokes?
me: really?
Ron: tea time was joke time
me: i don't remember
Ron: oh, yes
me: that's true, is it?
8:32 PM Ron: a lot of them - sure true
me: haha

Monday, 22 November 2010

great writing (should i shut this blog down?)

Here is a series of haiku poems written by Ellen, the daughter of the television presenter. She is sixteen years old and loves writing poetry. It helps her relax. She always leaves the first letters of her sentences in the lower case. She does it because she thinks that it makes all of the words as important as each other, in some way.

feeling young
although I don't know
nothing else

who am I
i have no idea
who I am

what is life
is it anything
or nothing

why do i
do the things i do
i don't know

She buys notebooks in packs of three from a local newsagent and fills them up with poems and short stories. Her dad worries about her from time to time because she is so introverted. Sometimes she writes poems about hating her father because he spends so little time with her. There are paintings from her very early childhood in which her depiction of her father is a scrawled black angry scribble, compared to a smiling mother, happy house and rolling younger brother. She would always draw herself holding a book.

Ellen is checking her email. As she checks it, one of her friends sends her a message through gmail chat. They have this conversation:

tracy: hi ellen - your dad's on tv. the other two presenters r so fucking hot. can your dad get me to meet them?

ellen: haha that is sick.
he can't get you to meet them.
you are a slut, tracy.

tracy: haha i would like to have sex with the small one
he looks like a rat
like a man-sized rat
that is hot
your dad is hot

ellen: fuck you

tracy: fuck you

Monday, 15 November 2010

hot interview with gavin bower

Gavin James Bower is an average guy with a huge amount to give. He has already had a novel published by Quartet, and loves living the high life. Here is an interview between him and I. I think that we both come across as great guys.

1. You are so dreamy. How do you keep your complexion as peachy and dreamy and silky as you do?

i stay dreamy by writing in lower case. i don't have time for upper case or a complicated moisturising routine. i've got things to do.

2. Explain why it is important to carry on breathing in the context of contemporary culture, and also in the wider context of consciousness.

being determines consciousness, but being also determines breathing. consider this. if you think about breathing, a vague sense of suffocation ensues. 'i am therefore i think' should, therefore, really be 'i am therefore i breathe therefore i think (i am suffocating)'. you can have that.

3. You are so brainy. What food do you love to eat to stay so brainy?

i'm on the anti-raw vegan diet, and have a particular aversion to inverted commas. they give me the meta-runs.

4. Explain the relationship between the mind and the body in the context of the following questions - What is the mind? What is the body? (Please answer these questions with reference to the idea that there may be no difference between the mind and the body).

my answer to question 2 presupposes the supposition that there is no difference between the mind and the body but, as a nobody, i really have no idea.

5. Who are your dream dinner party guests?

you, obvs. a guest of your choosing - a stranger, preferably. and my girlfriend, because she's hot. that would be a sexy and awkward dinner party; in short, dreamy.

6. Please explain the irrelvance of 'heavy-weight' British literature due to it's insistence on dealing with unimportant plots and twisting 'interesting' narrative, in contrast to a more primal, 'experiential' level of existence concerned with raw and unprocessed experience and sensory information in the context of human consciousness.

i had to vomit because of all the inverted commas. what was the question? ok, my answer is: tom mccarthy's c.

7. Are you a dog lover or a cat lover? Why? Which would win in a fight?

i'm human-pet-culture-ambivalent. if there is such a thing. which, of course, there isn't. my mum loves cats. so does my girlfriend. i quite like dogs, but i couldn't eat a whole one. am i right? hello? is this thing on...?

8. God?

does not follow you on twitter.

9. Which mobile phone operator do you use? What is your ringtone? What is the coolest music and sexiest woman ever?

orange. i've been with them since my first contract, about ten years ago, which shows you how old / loyal i am (28 and very). my ringtone is the iphone standard one. it's called 'old phone' but i have the new phone. the iphone 4. did i say i have an iphone? i do.

10. ._____________. ?

a neutral facial expression. if there is such a thing. which, of course, there isn't.

you can find more about gavin here: