Peppanpine

Sung to the tune of 'When I'm Cleaning Windows'

Now I've been eating pizza,
For such a long time,
And my favourite topping,
Is the humble Peppanpine.

The richest cheese,
Peppers to please,
Pineapple why thankyou not squeezed,
Pepperoni a delicious tease,
On a Peppanpine Pizza.

what's your problem?

my favourite breakfast is VX nerve gas/liquid on toast.

i eat it and think 'this is delicious'. 

VX nerve gas/liquid is very very toxic and smells of peaches or other sickly sweet fruits.

VX nerve gas/liquid was discovered in wiltshire in england which is in britain which is part of europe sort of.

the V in VX stands for 'very' i think. the X stands for X-treme. this is a bastardisation.

i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into the coffee machine at work. i am going to put VX nerve gas/liquid into all of my co-worker's coffee. 

i am going to smear the ebola virus onto the the doughnuts that my work colleagues eat. 

i am going to lace my porridge with hepatitis. 

i am going to powder some razor blades and put them on my bosses comb so that he accidently cuts all of his hair off.

i am going to slowly tear apart the world that i live in and pour acid on the rubble so that i can drink it up like a bloated and corpulent fly.

i am going to consume everything and then collapse.

send me a postcard

i am lying down on a bed that is so hard that it hurts my body to lie on it. 

i am on holiday.

the reason i am on holiday is because i was fired from my work place. 

let me explain.

my work place is a terrible place. my work involves strapping myself to a pole and being rotated above a fire for 8 hours a day. 

i am a professional kebab. 

i smother myself with mint sauce and chilli sauce. i put chilli sauce in my eyes. i shove salad into my orifices. then i do a dance for my boss. i am dressed up as a kebab. i am a succulent and submissive naked kebab. 

i am so greasy and delicious.

but i have had enough. 

my boss is eyeing me up as i put the sauces on to myself. he is eyeing me up and licking his lips and saying 'you are so hot kebab' and 'you are the hottest kebab in town'. 

i feel so sad. normally i like his compliments. but not today. the sauces are congealing all over my glazed and delicious body.

i feel worthless. i start to cry. i am sobbing in front of my boss. i collapse onto the floor and scream and scream 'i am not a fucking kebab i am a human being i am not a meal'.

my boss watches me.

'you are a kebab' he says.

'you are a delicious kebab' he says.

i am still crying and my boss is still eyeing. my boss pulls out a knife. he stabs me. i cry all the way to hospital.

after two weeks in hospital i get a note from my boss. it says 'you are fired' on it.

oh dear.

anxiety

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