happy new year

self-destruction = rebirth

charity

every day i walk past a man who asks me for things in the same order every day. the first thing he asks me for is money. he says, 'could i have some money, lad.' i normally give him some money but not very much, maybe thirty pence or a bit more. then he says, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes.' i say no.

i am walking past the man. he is looking at me. i think, not today, please not today. he shuffles towards me. i look at him while trying to not look at his eyes. he says to me, 'could i have some money, lad?'

i move my hand around in my pocket until i find forty pence. i give the pence to him. i touch his hand by accident. he grabs my hand like the jaws of a dog clamping down on the neck of a smaller dog.

he says to me, 'can i borrow your coat and scarf and shoes?'

i say, 'OK.'

it is a cold day. it is snowing. i stand in front of him for a second before moving my hand out of his hand. i dramatically uncurl my scarf from around my neck. i give him the scarf. he says, 'now the coat.'

i unbutton my coat all the way down and then take it off and give it to him. he is holding my coat and my scarf over his arm the way in which a waiter holds a napkin. he says, 'the shoes lad, the shoes.'

i kneel down and undo my shoes. i take them off my feet and stand in the snow. the snow is melting onto my feet and making them cold. i give the man my shoes. they are resting on top of the coat and scarf.

he says, 'can i borrow your trousers and shirt and socks and underwear?'

i shiver and say, 'sure'.

i take all of my clothes off and stand in front of the man. he is holding the clothes. he says, 'thanks lad.' i say 'no problem, lad.'

he walks over to a large sleety puddle and drops my belongings into it. i am shivering in the cold. snow is landing on my body and melting. my breath is a mist. i am shaking. the man walks back over to me. 'now fuck off' he says.

update re: current situation

i sit alone in my room looking out of the window for about eight hours each day.

i tap away on my computer amending and updating and writing new things.

i listen to music all day long.

i eat three vitamin tablets a day; Multivitamin and iron (general health), Omega 3, 6 , 9 (brain and heart health), Cod liver oil (joint health).

i have for breakfast each day two slices of wholemeal bread for slow release energy and also one cup of water for hydration.

i go to the local pool and go swimming nearly every day.

i sit in the spa at the local pool and my head is totally empty.

i think about reaching out to people etc.

i go shopping for very small things to keep me alive e.g olive oil spread.

i am in love with my life and i hope that it never changes except for a couple of things.

i can see buses almost whenever i want to.

i can see red brick buildings almost whenever i want to.

i downloaded google chrome; it is now my default browser.

i look at a lot of slate every day.

i am cold almost every day.

everything's fine first draft

is now complete. it is 46300 words long. i am really happy with it. wish me luck.

advert site for everything's fine ready

www.everythingsfine.net

i made this

Proposed front Cover for 'Everything's Fine'