i am sighing
there is air exiting my body
i am aware of the air
i am breathing in and out and pressing the buttons on my keyboard with my chest
i am writing rpenapeoaonenpoaeir with my chest
someone comes into the room
the person says something to me
i carry on sighing quickly in and out
the person puts their hand on my shoulder
i sigh and sigh and sigh spofijoweijgoiejodsigj
my head is polishing the table by moving around on it
my arms are lying on the table beside my computer
i am moving up and down in a way on the table
the person is watching me and saying
you can't carry on like this
it is later and i am downstairs eating my food
i am holding a spoon up to my mouth and letting the food drop down back onto the plate
the person watching has their head in their hands
i am looking at my reflection in a pool of water and i say
i just don't know what to do
Monday, 26 April 2010
Thursday, 22 April 2010
i am checking my e-mail
I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my twitter. I am checking my facebook. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my twitter. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my facebook. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my e-mail. I am remembering about childhood. I am imagining growing old. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my twitter. I am updating my twitter status to 'I am checking my twitter'. I am checking my e-mail. I am watering a plant. I am checking my e-mail. I am moving out of the light. I am writing 459 words of my novel. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my twitter. I am checking my blog for comments. I am eating lunch. I am writing 234 words of my novel. I am looking at a painting on the wall. I am cleaning a section of the wall. I am checking my twitter. I am gchatting with crispin. I am updating my twitter status to 'WTF?' I am updating my twitter status to 'Whoops – wrong window, that was meant to be in a gchat'. I am living a modern life. I am listening to 'telephone' by 'lada gaga and beyonce' and writing the 'great british novel' (GBN). I am looking out of the window. I am checking my facebook. I am checking my twitter. I am checking my e-mail. I am writing an e-mail to an estate agent, complaining about the service I have received. I am not receiving a reply from the estate agent. I am looking at a mutated pigeon. I am throwing bread at a mutated pigeon. I am hiding from a man who saw me throw the bread. I am checking my twitter. I am worrying about the mutated pigeon. I am checking my facebook. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my e-mail. I am checking my e-mail.
story at newwavevomit
it also has an illustration that i did.
when i read it, it seems maybe a little rushed and obvious. did i make it too obvious?
it still seems ok.
when i read it, it seems maybe a little rushed and obvious. did i make it too obvious?
it still seems ok.
Monday, 19 April 2010
news about my second novel
here is the title of my second novel:
'i am afraid of dying'
here is a description of my second novel:
'i am afraid of dying' is a novel about a great guy living the kind of life everyone would love to live. he meets loads of other great guys and has ten million incredible experiences along the way. everything he does is wonderful and every moment of his life is a primal and uncontrollable split second of ecstatic existence.'
here is what i think about my second novel:
my second novel is either a lot better than my first novel or totally unreadable. this is really what i think. it feels a lot more ambitious than my first one.
i am about to create some artwork for 'i am afraid of dying'.
'i am afraid of dying' is currently around 10,000 words long - i imagine it being around 60,000 words when it is finished. maybe 70,000. it might be a lot longer also.
'i am afraid of dying'
here is a description of my second novel:
'i am afraid of dying' is a novel about a great guy living the kind of life everyone would love to live. he meets loads of other great guys and has ten million incredible experiences along the way. everything he does is wonderful and every moment of his life is a primal and uncontrollable split second of ecstatic existence.'
here is what i think about my second novel:
my second novel is either a lot better than my first novel or totally unreadable. this is really what i think. it feels a lot more ambitious than my first one.
i am about to create some artwork for 'i am afraid of dying'.
'i am afraid of dying' is currently around 10,000 words long - i imagine it being around 60,000 words when it is finished. maybe 70,000. it might be a lot longer also.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Monday, 5 April 2010
interview with crispin best, carried out in gchat
here is an 'interview' of crispin best. at times he asked me questions and i answered them. is it interesting?
me: i am about to start the interview
ok
hi crispin
Crispin: hi there
8:43 PM
hi socrates
me: so what's your philosophy on life?
Crispin: my philosophy on life is 'everyone is a person and in some way they are trying their hardest'
8:44 PM
my philosophy changes every single day, this morning i went to the shop for milk and i said 'this is amazing'
yesterday i sat on a swivel chair and tried to make myself as small as possible and felt disappointed with myself
8:45 PM
isn't that great?
me: how do you cope with feelings of inadequacy and despair? (a lot of people suffer from these feelings)
8:46 PM
Crispin: i don't suppose i cope with them. generally i think 'it would be nice to have something to look forward to' and i envisage something i might be able to look forward to. for this reason i am glad i like sports, even though i know it is a waste of my life to watch sports
8:47 PM
me: what's better, football or cricket? and why?
8:48 PM
Crispin: i think football is better. the reason for this is that football is mroe of a 'soap opera' and a soap opera is a good thing because of something to do with narrative tropes and early experience of time passing, urgency, and death (also: pets). also the acrobatic and physical feats of football seem, on the face of it at least, more impressive than those of cricket. although i do enjoy cricket
8:49 PM
me: did you know that the shuttlecock is the fastest hit projectile of any racquet sport?
8:50 PM
Crispin: i had no idea. that is very interesting. what is 'jal-alai'? i think that is home to the fastest projectile in all sports.
"Unfortunately for Jai-Alai, Badminton has taken over the title, a shuttlecock has been recently clocked at 332 KM/H or 206 MPH."
that's a quote from an internet source
that i just found, after i tried to 'prove you wrong'
8:51 PM
me: tell me a bit about wewillallgosimultaneous. e.g - why you started it? why you keep it going? what you have on it etc
8:52 PM
Crispin: it's a blog. i started it because i got my first ever story accepted by an online publication, eyeshot, and i thought i should have a link to which people could be directed from that. i only realised much later on that eyeshot was actually quite a prestigious place to be published, and it's still one of the main places from which traffic comes to my site
8:53 PM
i started out putting writing and things on there, but i don't do that much any more, for no apparent reason. i feel bewildered answering this question. i don't know why i have a blog
me: sorry - i am trying to ask 'difficult questions'
8:54 PM
it's difficult
i don't know why i have my blog
maybe i do know, but i am embarrassed, scared to admit it
anyway
what sort of music do you like, crisp?
8:55 PM
Crispin: oh - what would be embarrassing?
8:56 PM
me: oh dear - looks like this is being turned back on me, the 'anonymous interviewer'
Crispin: i don't want to do that, i am sorry
me: well - i just want everyone to tell me how good everything i write is and that i am a great guy
that's mainly why i have the blog
Crispin: oh right, i see. it would be a good idea for you to get that great novel of yours published, though
me: and that seems embarrassing for me
8:57 PM
Crispin: that's not embarrassing, at all. everyone puts pictures of themself on the internet and wants to be called 'very handsome' etc
it's ~better than that, for sure
me: i feel that maybe it's something that shouldn't be admitted though?
don't know why
8:58 PM
it's not ok to admit that you want people to love you in a straightforward way?
Crispin: i think everyone admits that
me: oh
Crispin: i mean i am surprised you think it's embarrassing
me: maybe i am behind the times or something
Crispin: i thought you woere going to say something about teenage girls
8:59 PM
me: i am maybe a little oddly sensitive or austere
Crispin: you are austere
me: i am easily embarrassed i think
so what sort of writing do you like to read?
Crispin: you are not austere
9:00 PM
there isn't a sort
me: oh
Crispin: i am thinking very hard
me: what's your favourite book of all time
?
Crispin: sorry - i was thinking, that seemed dismissive
i am thinking very hard about what i like
9:01 PM
me: ok
i'll stop asking silly questions
i will qait
(wait)
Crispin: i don't have a favourite book
9:02 PM
everything i want to say sounds utterly ridiculous: "i like things that seem themselves"
just as an example: your writing is good because i can't compare it to something else
and also it seems 'in line' with what i imagine to be important in writing
which is to do with newness and not being a scaredycat
9:03 PM
me: ha
i think that seems like a good answer
Crispin: also it's to do with engaging with what is happening somewhere recognisably 'irl'
well that's good - i am glad. i am reading lydia davis' collected stories currently and she seems really excellent
'incredibly strong writing' or whatever
9:04 PM
what are you reading recently?
me: oh man
i just read the easter parade
Crispin: i haven't read that
9:05 PM
me: by richard yates and then i read dazed and aroused by gavin james bower
the easter parade is among the best books i think i have written
Crispin: oh he is your pal
me: i mean
read
haha
Crispin: yes
me: i didn't write it
did i?
Crispin: i was trying to figure out how to mention that
me: haha
Crispin: i think you didn't write the easter parade
9:06 PM
me: i think i know which books i have/haven't written crispin
Crispin: i am glad you have written a book
i am looking forward to the 'great british novel'
me: oh dear
it's not going so well
Crispin: 'great britain'
etc
i am sure it will go fine
9:07 PM
me: let's get this interview back on track
Crispin: ok sorry
i am worried that i am in a dour mood
me: oh
do you want to stop
Crispin: so my answers are not fit for publication
me: i am really enjoying it
Crispin: haha
me: it seems excellent
Crispin: i am very happy, i just feel like a sourpuss
me: we are having an odd, 'academic discussion' of sorts
instead of saying
9:08 PM
great guy, babes, etc
Crispin: hah
yes
i like it
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/19/Easter_parade_yates.jpg
when did books stop looking like that?
me: seems like a nice break every now and then
Crispin: bloody photography
ruined bookcovers
me: i know
Crispin: 'the bird room' i kept thinking "WHICH ONE IS THIS GIRL ON THE COVER MEANT TO BE?!?!?"
me: i totally agree
9:09 PM
Crispin: wouldn't have happened to yatesy
me: the edition i have has a picture of two girls on it
i mean
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK THE CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE COVER DESIGNER
Crispin: cover designers are imagination perverts
9:10 PM
me: how do you feel rejection digest (your great new collection of incredible fiction) is going?
9:11 PM
Crispin: ahhh. close to our hearts. at first it seemed like a really brilliant idea, and i was so happy that we decided to do it.
'almost immediately' there were some comments on htmlgiant which seemed to totally dismiss the idea as being unoriginal, although there were some supportive comments too
9:12 PM
after that, i felt unsure of 'ourself' for a while
then we got into a good rhythm. it seems ok at the moment. i wish we had more submissions.
9:13 PM
me: i have felt oddly 'unstoppably positive' about the whole thing
Crispin: feel like i didn't need to say anything before the last line
i have noticed your unstoppable positivity
it's really good to see
9:14 PM
i think i am feeling a bit 'down' with writing in general. i feel unable to achieve anything i am proud of currently.
me: that's a real shame
Crispin: it's ok - it's my fault
9:15 PM
me: it's odd, it feels like your website is an incredibly exuberant celebration of culture and oddness, and it makes me feel as though the sensibilities you have indicate that you are a creative force that is 'inextinguishable'?
9:16 PM
Crispin: that's nice of you to say. i think ... actually what i was about to say starts to become hamfisted pop psychology very quickly...
9:17 PM
the important thing is i really do think everything is great, and that's why i can't write at the moment
i don't have any idea of what language can convey the thing i am trying to say
me: do you want to go away somewhere on a writing retreat where we discover a new way of writing?
Crispin: i like exuberance and effort and hope but i don't feel like 'hyperexuberant' language is right
9:18 PM
haha - but i think you are able to write well with the style you have
do you think you are 'ripping anyone off' ever?
is that a dangerous question/
?
me: no it's not dangerous
but the answer is going to be a bit 'poncy'
9:21 PM
when i write, i do it very quickly and it comes very naturally (if it's any good). i don't think about ripping anyone off. i don't think i am ripping anyone off. it feels like it is the only way i can write - it feels like it is just me and no-one else. i often feel like i am completely lost in a trance when i write the things that i am happiest with.
that is a terrible, garbled answer
9:22 PM
Crispin: that doesn't seem garbled at all
i wonder why you think that... that seems like a very true and enviable answer
9:23 PM
me: i just worry about everything
Crispin: haha - you shouldn't worry about that
like i said before, i think your writing seems to come from a recognisable but not obvious place, and that is one of the reasons i like it
9:24 PM
that answer is 'in line' with how i feel about it
so that's important.
when you said poncey i thought you were going to talk about ALL WRITING IS A TISSUE OF QUOTATIONS
or someshit
i'm glad you didn't say that
me: oh god
9:25 PM
i don't know enough to quote fro anything
(afro?)
Crispin: fro comb
me: way to 'ruin the interview' crisp
JOKES!
9:26 PM
Crispin: sorrry
me: it's quite hard work, thinking hard about yourself
9:27 PM
Crispin: yes. i wonder if i should do it more. or less. or if i do it the correct amount
it is 'not answerable'
sorry
me: i think that's right
Crispin: i ruined the interview again
me: nah
i think it's going 'exquisitely well'
Crispin: are you going to buy an 'ipad'?
9:28 PM
me: i think maybe i wish i was obsessed with wanting to do something that doesn't require any introspection. like winning masterchef or something
no - i am not going to buy an ipad
i don't have any money
Crispin: ok
9:29 PM
me: do you want to get one?
i wish i had one
Crispin: not at all
one of my main failings is that i basically 'hate' that sort of thing
everything that makes me think i am being encouraged to spend money
me: p.s this interview is going to cost you $300-$400
9:30 PM
Crispin: that's ok - i am charging it rejection digest's company card
me: on a serious note, shall we get a credit card for rejection digest?
i think we need one
Crispin: we do need an ipad actually
for 'market credibility'
9:31 PM
no-one will submit to us unless we have an ipad
me: if we had an ipad i think steve jobs might probably promote the website to everyone who wears black polo-necks and skinny jeans.
9:32 PM
Crispin: 'target audience'
me: haha
whenever i select a story i think about black polo-necks and skinny jeans
Crispin: have you ever worn a poloneck?
9:33 PM
me: yes
my dad bought me one when i was young
it looked ridiculous
it was a black polo neck
they are the "worst item of clothing anyone can wear"
9:34 PM
Crispin: i think certain kinds of 'puffy waistcoat' might be worse
i have a vivid image of someone in a poloneck and puffy wasitcoat now
oops
me: http://imagecache.asos.com/inv/V/15/92/797392/Black/image1xl.jpg
9:35 PM
Crispin: intense douche
me: http://static-p4.fotolia.com/jpg/00/06/78/19/400_F_6781969_W1T0lEdMurBOQdUTRcMxRSSr3zWkzkrL.jpg
9:36 PM
he looks a lot like you, crisp
Crispin: oh wow - and the photographer definitely doesn't want anyone using any part of that picture without permission
me: i know
it's worth a huge amount of money, that photo
9:37 PM
Crispin: i have a pricey face
me: do you think that that is enough interview now?
9:38 PM
be back in 2 - 3 - 5 mins
Crispin: 4 hours!
ok
me: i am about to start the interview
ok
hi crispin
Crispin: hi there
8:43 PM
hi socrates
me: so what's your philosophy on life?
Crispin: my philosophy on life is 'everyone is a person and in some way they are trying their hardest'
8:44 PM
my philosophy changes every single day, this morning i went to the shop for milk and i said 'this is amazing'
yesterday i sat on a swivel chair and tried to make myself as small as possible and felt disappointed with myself
8:45 PM
isn't that great?
me: how do you cope with feelings of inadequacy and despair? (a lot of people suffer from these feelings)
8:46 PM
Crispin: i don't suppose i cope with them. generally i think 'it would be nice to have something to look forward to' and i envisage something i might be able to look forward to. for this reason i am glad i like sports, even though i know it is a waste of my life to watch sports
8:47 PM
me: what's better, football or cricket? and why?
8:48 PM
Crispin: i think football is better. the reason for this is that football is mroe of a 'soap opera' and a soap opera is a good thing because of something to do with narrative tropes and early experience of time passing, urgency, and death (also: pets). also the acrobatic and physical feats of football seem, on the face of it at least, more impressive than those of cricket. although i do enjoy cricket
8:49 PM
me: did you know that the shuttlecock is the fastest hit projectile of any racquet sport?
8:50 PM
Crispin: i had no idea. that is very interesting. what is 'jal-alai'? i think that is home to the fastest projectile in all sports.
"Unfortunately for Jai-Alai, Badminton has taken over the title, a shuttlecock has been recently clocked at 332 KM/H or 206 MPH."
that's a quote from an internet source
that i just found, after i tried to 'prove you wrong'
8:51 PM
me: tell me a bit about wewillallgosimultaneous. e.g - why you started it? why you keep it going? what you have on it etc
8:52 PM
Crispin: it's a blog. i started it because i got my first ever story accepted by an online publication, eyeshot, and i thought i should have a link to which people could be directed from that. i only realised much later on that eyeshot was actually quite a prestigious place to be published, and it's still one of the main places from which traffic comes to my site
8:53 PM
i started out putting writing and things on there, but i don't do that much any more, for no apparent reason. i feel bewildered answering this question. i don't know why i have a blog
me: sorry - i am trying to ask 'difficult questions'
8:54 PM
it's difficult
i don't know why i have my blog
maybe i do know, but i am embarrassed, scared to admit it
anyway
what sort of music do you like, crisp?
8:55 PM
Crispin: oh - what would be embarrassing?
8:56 PM
me: oh dear - looks like this is being turned back on me, the 'anonymous interviewer'
Crispin: i don't want to do that, i am sorry
me: well - i just want everyone to tell me how good everything i write is and that i am a great guy
that's mainly why i have the blog
Crispin: oh right, i see. it would be a good idea for you to get that great novel of yours published, though
me: and that seems embarrassing for me
8:57 PM
Crispin: that's not embarrassing, at all. everyone puts pictures of themself on the internet and wants to be called 'very handsome' etc
it's ~better than that, for sure
me: i feel that maybe it's something that shouldn't be admitted though?
don't know why
8:58 PM
it's not ok to admit that you want people to love you in a straightforward way?
Crispin: i think everyone admits that
me: oh
Crispin: i mean i am surprised you think it's embarrassing
me: maybe i am behind the times or something
Crispin: i thought you woere going to say something about teenage girls
8:59 PM
me: i am maybe a little oddly sensitive or austere
Crispin: you are austere
me: i am easily embarrassed i think
so what sort of writing do you like to read?
Crispin: you are not austere
9:00 PM
there isn't a sort
me: oh
Crispin: i am thinking very hard
me: what's your favourite book of all time
?
Crispin: sorry - i was thinking, that seemed dismissive
i am thinking very hard about what i like
9:01 PM
me: ok
i'll stop asking silly questions
i will qait
(wait)
Crispin: i don't have a favourite book
9:02 PM
everything i want to say sounds utterly ridiculous: "i like things that seem themselves"
just as an example: your writing is good because i can't compare it to something else
and also it seems 'in line' with what i imagine to be important in writing
which is to do with newness and not being a scaredycat
9:03 PM
me: ha
i think that seems like a good answer
Crispin: also it's to do with engaging with what is happening somewhere recognisably 'irl'
well that's good - i am glad. i am reading lydia davis' collected stories currently and she seems really excellent
'incredibly strong writing' or whatever
9:04 PM
what are you reading recently?
me: oh man
i just read the easter parade
Crispin: i haven't read that
9:05 PM
me: by richard yates and then i read dazed and aroused by gavin james bower
the easter parade is among the best books i think i have written
Crispin: oh he is your pal
me: i mean
read
haha
Crispin: yes
me: i didn't write it
did i?
Crispin: i was trying to figure out how to mention that
me: haha
Crispin: i think you didn't write the easter parade
9:06 PM
me: i think i know which books i have/haven't written crispin
Crispin: i am glad you have written a book
i am looking forward to the 'great british novel'
me: oh dear
it's not going so well
Crispin: 'great britain'
etc
i am sure it will go fine
9:07 PM
me: let's get this interview back on track
Crispin: ok sorry
i am worried that i am in a dour mood
me: oh
do you want to stop
Crispin: so my answers are not fit for publication
me: i am really enjoying it
Crispin: haha
me: it seems excellent
Crispin: i am very happy, i just feel like a sourpuss
me: we are having an odd, 'academic discussion' of sorts
instead of saying
9:08 PM
great guy, babes, etc
Crispin: hah
yes
i like it
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/19/Easter_parade_yates.jpg
when did books stop looking like that?
me: seems like a nice break every now and then
Crispin: bloody photography
ruined bookcovers
me: i know
Crispin: 'the bird room' i kept thinking "WHICH ONE IS THIS GIRL ON THE COVER MEANT TO BE?!?!?"
me: i totally agree
9:09 PM
Crispin: wouldn't have happened to yatesy
me: the edition i have has a picture of two girls on it
i mean
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK THE CHARACTERS LOOK LIKE COVER DESIGNER
Crispin: cover designers are imagination perverts
9:10 PM
me: how do you feel rejection digest (your great new collection of incredible fiction) is going?
9:11 PM
Crispin: ahhh. close to our hearts. at first it seemed like a really brilliant idea, and i was so happy that we decided to do it.
'almost immediately' there were some comments on htmlgiant which seemed to totally dismiss the idea as being unoriginal, although there were some supportive comments too
9:12 PM
after that, i felt unsure of 'ourself' for a while
then we got into a good rhythm. it seems ok at the moment. i wish we had more submissions.
9:13 PM
me: i have felt oddly 'unstoppably positive' about the whole thing
Crispin: feel like i didn't need to say anything before the last line
i have noticed your unstoppable positivity
it's really good to see
9:14 PM
i think i am feeling a bit 'down' with writing in general. i feel unable to achieve anything i am proud of currently.
me: that's a real shame
Crispin: it's ok - it's my fault
9:15 PM
me: it's odd, it feels like your website is an incredibly exuberant celebration of culture and oddness, and it makes me feel as though the sensibilities you have indicate that you are a creative force that is 'inextinguishable'?
9:16 PM
Crispin: that's nice of you to say. i think ... actually what i was about to say starts to become hamfisted pop psychology very quickly...
9:17 PM
the important thing is i really do think everything is great, and that's why i can't write at the moment
i don't have any idea of what language can convey the thing i am trying to say
me: do you want to go away somewhere on a writing retreat where we discover a new way of writing?
Crispin: i like exuberance and effort and hope but i don't feel like 'hyperexuberant' language is right
9:18 PM
haha - but i think you are able to write well with the style you have
do you think you are 'ripping anyone off' ever?
is that a dangerous question/
?
me: no it's not dangerous
but the answer is going to be a bit 'poncy'
9:21 PM
when i write, i do it very quickly and it comes very naturally (if it's any good). i don't think about ripping anyone off. i don't think i am ripping anyone off. it feels like it is the only way i can write - it feels like it is just me and no-one else. i often feel like i am completely lost in a trance when i write the things that i am happiest with.
that is a terrible, garbled answer
9:22 PM
Crispin: that doesn't seem garbled at all
i wonder why you think that... that seems like a very true and enviable answer
9:23 PM
me: i just worry about everything
Crispin: haha - you shouldn't worry about that
like i said before, i think your writing seems to come from a recognisable but not obvious place, and that is one of the reasons i like it
9:24 PM
that answer is 'in line' with how i feel about it
so that's important.
when you said poncey i thought you were going to talk about ALL WRITING IS A TISSUE OF QUOTATIONS
or someshit
i'm glad you didn't say that
me: oh god
9:25 PM
i don't know enough to quote fro anything
(afro?)
Crispin: fro comb
me: way to 'ruin the interview' crisp
JOKES!
9:26 PM
Crispin: sorrry
me: it's quite hard work, thinking hard about yourself
9:27 PM
Crispin: yes. i wonder if i should do it more. or less. or if i do it the correct amount
it is 'not answerable'
sorry
me: i think that's right
Crispin: i ruined the interview again
me: nah
i think it's going 'exquisitely well'
Crispin: are you going to buy an 'ipad'?
9:28 PM
me: i think maybe i wish i was obsessed with wanting to do something that doesn't require any introspection. like winning masterchef or something
no - i am not going to buy an ipad
i don't have any money
Crispin: ok
9:29 PM
me: do you want to get one?
i wish i had one
Crispin: not at all
one of my main failings is that i basically 'hate' that sort of thing
everything that makes me think i am being encouraged to spend money
me: p.s this interview is going to cost you $300-$400
9:30 PM
Crispin: that's ok - i am charging it rejection digest's company card
me: on a serious note, shall we get a credit card for rejection digest?
i think we need one
Crispin: we do need an ipad actually
for 'market credibility'
9:31 PM
no-one will submit to us unless we have an ipad
me: if we had an ipad i think steve jobs might probably promote the website to everyone who wears black polo-necks and skinny jeans.
9:32 PM
Crispin: 'target audience'
me: haha
whenever i select a story i think about black polo-necks and skinny jeans
Crispin: have you ever worn a poloneck?
9:33 PM
me: yes
my dad bought me one when i was young
it looked ridiculous
it was a black polo neck
they are the "worst item of clothing anyone can wear"
9:34 PM
Crispin: i think certain kinds of 'puffy waistcoat' might be worse
i have a vivid image of someone in a poloneck and puffy wasitcoat now
oops
me: http://imagecache.asos.com/inv/V/15/92/797392/Black/image1xl.jpg
9:35 PM
Crispin: intense douche
me: http://static-p4.fotolia.com/jpg/00/06/78/19/400_F_6781969_W1T0lEdMurBOQdUTRcMxRSSr3zWkzkrL.jpg
9:36 PM
he looks a lot like you, crisp
Crispin: oh wow - and the photographer definitely doesn't want anyone using any part of that picture without permission
me: i know
it's worth a huge amount of money, that photo
9:37 PM
Crispin: i have a pricey face
me: do you think that that is enough interview now?
9:38 PM
be back in 2 - 3 - 5 mins
Crispin: 4 hours!
ok
competition results
there were a lot of entries to the bird room review competition. i found it very hard to decide on the winners of the competition. i am going to print the winning positive and negative review here and will e-mail the winners.
if you haven't won i am really sorry. the overall standard of the entries was (as far as i know) very good. i did a lot of laughing and thinking, 'wow, that's great' while i was reading them.
also please remember i have never run/judged a competition before. so i have probably made a terrible mistake. there were many more entries into the negative review section of the competition, which makes me think that all of the readers of this blog are 'haters' and only want to wish never-ending doom on the rest of the universe.
anyway, here are the winning entries.
POSITIVE
When I first imagined Chris Killen's novel The Bird Room, I have to admit I was a little cautious. It brings to mind a bird being trapped in a room doesn't it? Flying around like a mad thing all over the place. This scared me. Plus i'm allergic to paper. Nevertheless I bravely donned my reading gloves and began to preconceive the words.
First things first, this is an incredibly powerful book. I vomited all over page one, by the second chapter i'd begun to ejaculate uncontrollably from the penis and during the final chapter I was weeping from the mouth whilst my Grandad slipped in and out of his beloved coma, his frail being only being able to mouth the word 'kipper' at passers by.
As I pulled myself together I started to ponder what i'd just imagined to read. Suddenly words meant nothing to me. What's a bird?
Some may say it sticks a bit too closely to the plot of Mighty Ducks but for my money there's a new Bible in town. It'll be a long time before i'm able to eat toast on my own again (you'll know what I mean after you've read it). Huge recommendation.
By Alex J. Nuttall
NEGATIVE
‘the bird room’: oh no you di-ent!
Chapter one:
This is a review of ‘the bird room’ by ‘chris killen’. Seems like a book aimed mainly at whiny douchebags.
Chapter two:
When I say ‘mainly’, I mean ‘90% entirely’.
Also lacks urban (i.e. black) characters
Disappointment re lack of urban people offset somewhat by promise of detailed descriptions of birds.
Chapter three:
*drawing of something*
Chapter four:
Obvious racist overtones of not having any urban people is ‘getting me down’.
Chapter five:
I physically stop reading this book as I suspect that if there aren’t any birds in it by now, there probably will not be any birds in it by now. Ditto: urban peoples.
Conclusion:
This book is clearly autobiographical to the max, and on this basis, ‘chris killen’ seems to be mentally ill with sadness and inherent racism.
By Richard Owain Roberts
congratulations to the winners and i am sorry to all of the other entrants. the stress of running this competition means that i am probably never going to run a competition ever again.
happy easter.
if you haven't won i am really sorry. the overall standard of the entries was (as far as i know) very good. i did a lot of laughing and thinking, 'wow, that's great' while i was reading them.
also please remember i have never run/judged a competition before. so i have probably made a terrible mistake. there were many more entries into the negative review section of the competition, which makes me think that all of the readers of this blog are 'haters' and only want to wish never-ending doom on the rest of the universe.
anyway, here are the winning entries.
POSITIVE
When I first imagined Chris Killen's novel The Bird Room, I have to admit I was a little cautious. It brings to mind a bird being trapped in a room doesn't it? Flying around like a mad thing all over the place. This scared me. Plus i'm allergic to paper. Nevertheless I bravely donned my reading gloves and began to preconceive the words.
First things first, this is an incredibly powerful book. I vomited all over page one, by the second chapter i'd begun to ejaculate uncontrollably from the penis and during the final chapter I was weeping from the mouth whilst my Grandad slipped in and out of his beloved coma, his frail being only being able to mouth the word 'kipper' at passers by.
As I pulled myself together I started to ponder what i'd just imagined to read. Suddenly words meant nothing to me. What's a bird?
Some may say it sticks a bit too closely to the plot of Mighty Ducks but for my money there's a new Bible in town. It'll be a long time before i'm able to eat toast on my own again (you'll know what I mean after you've read it). Huge recommendation.
By Alex J. Nuttall
NEGATIVE
‘the bird room’: oh no you di-ent!
Chapter one:
This is a review of ‘the bird room’ by ‘chris killen’. Seems like a book aimed mainly at whiny douchebags.
Chapter two:
When I say ‘mainly’, I mean ‘90% entirely’.
Also lacks urban (i.e. black) characters
Disappointment re lack of urban people offset somewhat by promise of detailed descriptions of birds.
Chapter three:
*drawing of something*
Chapter four:
Obvious racist overtones of not having any urban people is ‘getting me down’.
Chapter five:
I physically stop reading this book as I suspect that if there aren’t any birds in it by now, there probably will not be any birds in it by now. Ditto: urban peoples.
Conclusion:
This book is clearly autobiographical to the max, and on this basis, ‘chris killen’ seems to be mentally ill with sadness and inherent racism.
By Richard Owain Roberts
congratulations to the winners and i am sorry to all of the other entrants. the stress of running this competition means that i am probably never going to run a competition ever again.
happy easter.
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