Thursday, 18 September 2008


I am lying in my bed and the fan is on making loads of noise and keeping me awake. The fan is making me cold but I don't want to turn it off because if I get out from underneath the covers then I will be vulnerable.

I am thinking about putting on a conference in an international convention centre. I will have delegates at my conference. There will be speakers giving talks on a wide range of topics. The first topic will be "Five pound notes: A guide to Etiquette." The talk will last 30 mins with 5 mins for q and a afterwards.

Everything will be smooth and quick at the conference. People will describe it as unmissable. There will be a talk about The Different Wind Models That Can Be Achieved By Opening Two Windows In The Same Room To Aid In The Dissapation Of Cigarette Smoke. There will be a talk on Muscular arms.

I will give a talk. It will be a clever talk. The talk is going to be daring and brilliant. It is going to be groundbreaking and will totally undermine all of the recieved wisdom. I don't know what it's on yet.

My conference will be in sweden and there will be a dress code. I will give people as much free ice as they want. The slogan for the guys who give out the free ice will be "After all, we are in Sweden"

There will be a man outside with a gun who looks seriously terrifying. I will remove all of the bins around the conference and tape up the post boxes. I will forget to empty one of the post boxes. The post will be trapped forever.

I love my successful conference.


Martin Higgins said...

I would like to attend this conference please. I have enclosed a cheque for £500. I hope that this will cover my accommodation, breakfast, dinner, and any prostitutes that I skin during my attendance. I look forward to seeing you. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Give me an example of five pound note ettiquette and I might attend.

Eli Regan said...

i like how you read from your laptop last night in a suit, it felt very 'peep show' somehow, even though mark's not an apple guy.

i can't enclose a cheque for any amount, but if you put a 'conference' on, i'll try and attend it. virtual or real.

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

oh god - someone else said it was like peep show. what am i going to do.this is terrible. i want to fold myself up.

Eli Regan said...

ahh, didn't know that was a bad thing.

laughed my arse off anyway. comic writing/timing needless to say is difficult. and you have it. jealous, me?

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

well, thanks very much in any case, it's a really nice complement. don't be jealous, i am a terrible conversationalist