Wednesday, 10 March 2010

i thought this was the start of a new novel and then realised that it definitely wasn't

(i am very interested in fear of death)

I am afraid of dying.

I am sitting and looking out of the window. I think that a sniper is going to shoot me at any second. There are football fans staying in a hotel over the road. They are whistling out of their window at a Chinese tourist at ground level and then getting their knobs out and laughing at the Chinese tourist. Their knobs are flailing about all over the place. The Chinese tourist is looking at the knobs waving about and thinking, 'What a dreadful place.' I feel sorry that he is being treated like this. Who wants to have a football fan's knob flailing about near them? The football fans are both pissing out of the window all over the place. The piss is landing near the Chinese tourist and he is moving back and thinking, 'I don't want this piss to land on me.' The knobs look like little fleshy tumours. The football fans are jumping up and down and hugging each other and pissing on each other and they are singing great football songs to each other. They have put on some music and are prancing about. The Chinese tourist is looking up at the prancing football fans and thinking, 'I wonder how long it is before anyone realises that I am lost.' The traffic is getting quite a bit thicker. There are people getting out of their cars and getting into fights with each other because they are in such a bad mood at the end of their day. A man in a Mercedes Benz car is assaulting the bonnet of a man's Audi car. He has ripped his shirt off and he is jumping up and down on top of the car. He has taken his tie off and is erotically asphyxiating himself on top of the car as he jumps up and down. His penis bursts out of his trousers and then it ejaculates all over the windscreen. He is still jumping. The football fans look at the man and start jumping more. They piss and piss all over the ejaculating man. The man in the Audi car gets out and starts having sex with the man who has been bouncing up and down on his car. There is a crowd of people watching. The Chinese tourist is taking pictures and thinking, 'These pictures are not for my personal sexual use.' Two students are walking next to the cars and they are carrying guitar cases and singing to each other while taking drugs. The students are saying about the fact that they are independent thinkers. The two car owners are lying tenderly in each others arms. They are curled up like wonderful life partners always loving each other. A man walks by in a suit. He is smoking ten cigarettes. He takes one puff from each cigarette and then drops it on the ground. A tramp is following him and picking up every cigarette that he drops. The tramp puts the cigarettes out by carefully grinding the end of the cigarette into the pavement. He is moving more slowly than the man. The suit man occasionally looks behind himself and shakes his head. I look back at the Chinese tourist. He is lying on the floor and the two football fans are pissing into his mouth. There is a small flood beneath the football fans balcony. The streets are filling up with their piss.

I turn away from the window and walk into the kitchen. I am going to make a cup of coffee. I take the coffee from the pouch in the cupboard and pour it into the correct part of the coffee machine. I put the machine onto the hob, after filling it up with water. I wait. I am drinking a delicious cup of coffee. I check my e-mail. There is an e-mail from one of my friends who is trying to persuade me to invest money into a scheme. The scheme is something about money being easy to make. You just put all of your money into something and then you get more money. Everyone is doing it these days. It is so god damn easy to make a load of money. All you need is a load of money to begin with and a great friend to make all of your money with.

I take a trip down to street level. I bob between arguing and fucking people and make my way to a café. Inside the café is the barista. Barista is what you call the man who makes you a coffee. I order a coffee. The barista quickly makes me a cup of coffee. I have a sip and then let the coffee fall out of my mouth onto the saucer of the cup. The coffee is a joke. I say to him, this coffee is a fucking joke. He looks taken aback. I say, I just made a coffee that was one hundred times better than this. I made it with a domestic coffee machine. I don't even have a gaggia brand coffee machine. Then I chill out and say, don't worry I know you tried your best. I don't pay and then I get out of there.

I go back home and reply to my friend saying that I don't have money to invest in his idea but that he should get in touch with some other people because even though I don't have much money there is a chance that other people might have some money. I try and make it as clear as possible that I am not exactly the same as everybody else. It's difficult.

For dinner I eat a huge amount of food while watching a variety of televised events.

7 comments:

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

tldr

gamefaced said...

fleshy little tumors ha and my verification is: cringe

DJ Berndt said...

rofl@tldr

DJ Berndt said...

But seriously, I liked it. Very funny and weird.

sarah san said...

oooohhhhhh
snipers!

richard owain roberts said...

'my personal sexual use'

now THAT is clarity. nice story.

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

it now is the start of my new novel