Happy Shandy for Andy

Myself and my friend christopher killing have created a new masterpiece.

You can hear this rare and seductive beauty right here.

Happy new year.

P.S I find myself increasingly proud of this. It makes me smile every day.

New Years Eve Treat

I made this video with Emma a while ago. I just watched it again and it made me laugh.

I hope you like it.

CHOO CHOO CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHOO CHOO

I am on a train. The train is full of loud and rude people who are squeezed together so that some of their skin is touching. I am sitting next to an angry and fat man who is touching my skin with his skin. 

I can feel the bulge of his flesh beneath his skin against the bulge of my flesh beneath my skin. Our skins are getting acquainted.

There is a conductor on the train who is sweeping up and down very quickly saying tickets tickets any new tickets give me your ticket I need a ticket from you stop hiding in the toilet give me a ticket. The train is moving very fast through the country cutting its way very quickly.

The landscape is a dreadful blur. There is a man selling hot coffee from a trolley he is going past loudly and hissing and steaming all over the place. There are crisps and exciting snacks bursting out from his trolley waiting to be crunched away by snapping angry commuter's teeth.

A baby that is crying and crying carries on crying until its mother hits it on the head with her hand so that it stops crying. She is pumping it full of drugs to stop it crying.

An older man is sneezing his pus and infections all over his wife who thinks he is talking and says sorry dear what was that while his mobile phone rings a naval tune and he answers it screaming FUCK OFF.

Three grey suited businessmen laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and I hate them. They are talking about Eric and how he is banned from trains because he is always farting.

The man next to me is looking at me and making an odd noise.

The man's face looks like a condom stuffed with minced meat.

The man is touching his chest where his nipple might be.

I am in some kind of hell.

Toil

I have written my 1500 word story for the hive magazine and sent it to the man who asked for it in the first place.

It is a story called "The Lady"

Here are some teaser taster sections for everyone to love and cherish forever.

"I am sitting at my pod.
I have been in work sitting at my pod for fifteen minutes.
I think I have wet myself."

And also -

"The beautiful lady. The wonderful boss lady. The lady that makes me feel special and happy.

She is looking at me with a look like she wants to give me a sweet kiss.

She opens her wonderful mouth.

"HENRY YOU PIECE OF SHIT" She says."

It is pretty weird. I wonder whether it will be OK?

I have been tagged

Sam Pink has tagged me. This means that I have to write seven things about myself and then nominate 7 seven to do the same thing.

1. I am on a train.
2. A hair fell out of my arm and landed on my laptop computer. It looks bad.
3. I don't know how long I am going to survive.
4. I live in Manchester.
5. I always have breakfast.
6. I am from Bath originally.
7. When I was growing up some bigger boys threw me into nettle bushes because my name was/is Socrates.

OK. So I have to tag seven people now. This is going to be fiddly.

1. Jenn Ashworth
2. Sally Cook
3. Jarvis Cocker
4. LVB
5. Judy Roo
6. Frank Morgan
7. DELETED DUE TO PORN WATCHERS ATTACKING MY BLOG

You should look at these people's blogs. Some of them are not real. If you can spot which ones are not real you will win 5 no prizes.

I am Reading and Laughing at This Tonight

http://nopointinnotbeingfriends.blogspot.com/

It is going to be "Oh such fun"

Hap-py christmas.

P.S no one in America has let me know whether the chap book has arrived which makes me worry. What if I didn't put enough postage on them? What if chap books aren't allowed in America?

Emergency.

The autumn sun has made the trees look old and sad. They seem to be good natured. The old trees are carefully watching me as I make my way between them, winding. I hear, every few seconds, the song of a bird that is lodging in the branches of the kindly and sad trees up above. I am not self centered.

Every sunday now this routine. No holidays or workdays, just a simple little sunday stroll with no one else. The main thing to do is to just have a lovely relax. Just let yourself sweetly relax and feel like a little piece of dew on a flower.

There is no trouble going on. There is no city and no people and nothing at all that I don't like. Quiet and alone and full of thoughts. There is no Gok Wan going mad around here. There are no phone in competitions. Is this a death? I think I can feel a hearbeat but it might not be mine.

I am going to carry on thinking about whether I might be dead.

The Brutal Silence of Falling Asleep

I am lying in my bed with my covers over my body. It has been a cold day and the night is also cold.

There is a tired and quiet silence in the room.

I have been trying to sleep now for one hour and forty five minutes. I cannot get to sleep.

My calf muscles are tingling. The tingling feeling means that I am going to get a cramp in my calf muscles if I move them only one milimeter minimum. I have been thinking about my calf muscles. They are willfully preventing me from falling asleep.

I am ringing NHS direct while standing, naked in the centre of my room. I do not give the nurse on the phone my real name in case of the government. I tell her I am called Marty Gunt. The nurse tells me to eat one teaspoon of salt. My calf muscles need salt to stop seizing up.

I have a teaspoon of salt in front of my face. It is a heaped teaspoon of salt. I carefully stand on my bed. I hold one hand aloft while tipping the salt into my mouth.

THE SALT IS DELICIOUS.

This is the most delicious teaspoon of salt I have ever tasted. The salt is absolutely delicious. My mouth feels wonderful.

I go to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later I have no salt left. My mouth is dessicated. My body has too much salt in it. I feel anxious. I feel anxious because I have run out of salt.

I go to the supermarket. I buy £500 worth of salt. I lock myself in my room for two weeks.

I have now had three heart attacks.

Second Review

I have received a glowing review.

You can read it here

I am blushing.

ADDITION

Here is another review

I also like it very much.

First Review of Chapbook + Exciting News

Review

Received your chapbook in the post today, and have just finished reading it. I enjoyed it very much, thank you. the old man reminded me of an old man i used to work with. except he wasn't evil. he was odd though. during the sixties he used to join occult groups to meet chicks. i don't think he got to meet many. he was asked to leave, usually, for asking too many questions. he once brought in a newspaper cutting about a man who could bring women to orgasm using only the power of his mind, which he then tried to replicate for the rest of the day.

News

I have been asked to write a short piece for the new print edition of www.hivemagazine.co.uk

I don't know what to write about. I would like suggestions, in response to this post, of a title for the piece to inspire me. I would like the title to be 2 or 3 words long, preferably 2. I would like the title to be exciting.

The winner will receive no prize.

Half Asleep Treat

There is a delicious selection of biscuits for cheese spread across the plate in front of me. I have Jacob's Cream Crackers. I have a variety of cheeses.

I am being transported to a world in which anything that I can dream of can become my reality. The world is not quite right. I have asked the guardian of the world for a couple of chutneys to help the cheese and biscuits slip down easier.

There is no chutney forthcoming. I would like some chutney now please for god sake. Give me my chutney. Excuse me, I need some chutney from you. You know? Chutney.

I don't want any pickle thanks. Just chutney.

And then all of a sudden I am back in the room in which I was before being transported to the magnificent land where I was lord of everything it seems wrong to me to be forced back into being a less potent being.

I have written a list of things to ask for if I become lord of all things again.

1. Chutney
2. A pair of socks.
3. The body and face and personality of Gok Wan.
4. A special stone that sparkles in the light.
5. My lost and missed childhood.
6. Chalk.
7. Hair remover and muscle increaser.
8. A place to hide.
9. The only one I have ever loved.
10. Give me chutney.
11. I want some chutney.
12. Is it so hard to get some chutney?

Dispatches

Right.

The first 27 chapbooks have been sent - that's everyone who has ordered one so far.

20 are going to england.

7 are going to america.

There are 23 left.

If you want one, let me know. When you receive yours, please let me know. I feel happy.

Chapped Hands

My chapbook is now a physical entity. It has been printed and folded and torn. My hands are red and raw from folding and tearing and printing.

I am very happy with my chapbook. A copy of it will be winging its way to you if you have e-mailed me with your postal address.

It is not too late if you still want one.

Finally I have created something.

The Most Wonderful Thing Anyone Has Ever Done For Me

I received this in an e-mail. It is a picture of Simon Cowell's Brain.

Feeling down?

Check this new exciting self help site:

http://twelvefortyfive.blogspot.com/

They also do literature and stuff or whatever.

Get me out of here.

Someone get me out of here. Please help me to get out of here. I don't want to be here. My senses are shutting down slowly. My brain is in a state of panic. My body is slothful.

There is a yellow table in front of me and I am surrounded by chattering idiots. The computer screen is a special vortex that makes me feel like I am falling forever.

My colleagues hate and laugh all day long. I sit down and shove biscuits and coffee and tea and sandwiches into my face and mouth. I spill coffee all over my groin every day.

My keyboard is a moulding pit of flaked skin and grimy dirt paste. I wish that I was outside in the rain or in a sacred forest surrounded by elms.

Information

I am aiming for a print date of next Saturday or Sunday for Flesh Feast: The Human Brain. I am sorry about the additional waiting period. This is due to a mixture of technical difficulties and human difficulties. The human difficulties include me feeling scared and tired. The technical difficulties include having to print out many pages of paper on a printer that I do not own. But I will succeed.

Here is a sneak preview from Flesh Feast: The Human Brain.

"Are you thinking of me, my precious bone and marrow and flesh feast?"

I hope that tides you over. P.S I have now enhanced the cover artwork.

Exclusive Cover Artwork