Number 2 Interview

I interviewed Jenn Asworth
I love doing interviews. I don't have to do very much and it makes my blog look big.

Why won't anyone interview me? Can't anyone tell that the only reason I am doing these is so that someone interviews me? WHAT THE HELL.


1. What is going on with your hair? It's like totally Outrageous.

Do you not ever have those days when you wish you could take a tablet that would stop your hair growing or changing in any way? I do. You just want to capture the perfect moment forever. But it fades. It fades and it dies. It dies. God, it's awful. I feel like crying right now. It goes like this. See, when it is going great guns, you want to look in the mirror all the time and touch it a lot, but you don't want anyone to see you touching it a lot and looking in the mirror while you touch, because you are supposed to be a writer and librarian and sort of scruffy and intellectual. Really, I would sell my brains to have beautiful hair. I would. Seriously. I would rather be stupid than bald. Mainly I feel a bit bad about being bothered about my hair. It is made out of the same thing as fingernails or antlers. So my scalp is covered in long dead antlerly fingernails. But I want the fingernails to be shiny and big and full of body, causing admirement, but not staring. I want to have antlers that made other people jealous. That has never happened. Do you have any hair tips for me?

2. Why should I hire you?

I can be sarcastic while making you feel respected. I can work for hours and hours at a task that holds no value whatsoever. I can wear suits and wave my hands about at meetings. I can use words like 'reader development' and 'evaluation' and 'local agenda' and 'test bed' and 'skills set'. Oh dear. Please don't print this. I mean, I like my job. I do my best. Even when I have doubts I do my best. The tax payer is paying me. I never forget that. I am servile and self loathing. I spend sunday nights ironing work trousers. I dish out books for cash. Doesn't matter which books. Reading is a valueless activity. We are all about the issue figures. Rising steadily forever. I can stand at the counter and scan all the books into and out of my own account for ten hours a day. Then our issue figures will be EXEMPLARY. (NB I don't do this. I am 'in character') Bloody Hell.3. Why have you changed so much?
See above. I sort of like being servile. It has affected my whole life. If my mum had let me have contact lenses at school I would have had a boyfriend. I would have done things. Then I would not have been a librarian. It all stems from there. Now I am going to spend my advance on having my eyes laser surgeried. True fact. I'm a bit drunk.

4. What is your favourite?

LITHOPS. And going to sleep with feet touching. I miss smoking.

5. Why won't you stop laughing at me?

I think its because you make me nervous. You are like a proper writer, with a FAN BASE. I feel a bit insipid and main stream beside you. If I was a man I would probably fight you. Because I am a girl I giggle.

6. Why do the bigger boys touch me in my private area?

It isn't your private area. It's your elbow. Go back to the manual. Look again. *That's* your private area. Please stop touching it now. Thank you. Good boy.

7. Is Halloween a con?

Yes, I think it is. Except this Halloween is the anniversary of me being friends with my best friend for ten years. Ten years! So we thought we would have a decade party. If you say decade a certain way it sounds like DECAYED. So we may dress as Zombies. So if we did that, Halloween would be personal and meaningful and special, and not a con. We would have replaced the 'hallowed' into Halloween.

8. Do you like the way I dance? Do you like my style?
Do you like my fancy steps? Do you like my smile?

Yes. No. Yes. Yes.